Thank you for getting a puppy

My daughter and I are both suffering from Tiny Dog Fever. We are dying for a small dog we can transfer from purse to purse and dress up in ridiculous outfits. Whenever we see a small dog we have to alert the other:

"TINY DOG! TINY DOG"

"TINY DOG IN A PINK SWEATER!"

"CURIOUS TINY DOG IN A SWEATER THAT WON'T KEEP WALKING BECAUSE IT FOUND SOMETHING SMELLY ON THE SIDEWALK!"

My husband is totally against dogs, even other people's dogs. I'm guessing there's some traumatic crotch-sniffing incident from his youth. And while I want a dog in theory, I do realize that getting a dog is like having another baby who remains a toddler forever and I'd like to thank all the people in my life who have suddenly gotten puppies (and there seem to be a lot of you, hmmm) and are sharing all kinds of stories of being up all night and being dragged outside at all hours and, basically, looking like hell while you talk about your beloved new puppy. You're like puppy birth-control; thank you.

Just when you thought TV couldn't get any worse

So I’m totally watching crappy Saturday-afternoon-TV --which is either some kind of heavily edited teen movie with hosts showing you deleted scenes or dressing up some poor sap to look like the main character and/or reruns of America’s Next Top Model (today’s decadence: Cycle 9 with the gorgeous autistic girl. Don’t yell at ME, they’re the ones who keep bringing it up) and up pops a commercial for Paris Hilton’s latest violation of television. A reality show where she is searching for a new BFF, because there aren’t enough fawning, sycophantic, kiss-ass losers in her life already. The commercial showed the prospective BFF’s (whose mothers must be SO proud, btw) reading their letters to Paris about why THEY should get to be considered for becoming the new BFF.

They were CRYING!

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m getting so emotional,” said one girl as she tried to read her letter out loud. I’m hoping her tears were an indication that somewhere deep inside a part of her realized that she was humiliating herself in the most disgusting way imaginable and wanted out, out, out. But I doubt it.

I know Paris isn’t the first person to have a reality show where a houseful of people debase themselves in order to be the LAST person tossed aside like a used Kleenex by a c-list celebrity, but seriously, can we stop with this? Rock of Love, I Love New York, that show with the guy with the big clock and the horns – aren’t there already enough ways to embarrass yourself on television if you really really have to?

I’m tempted to post a listing for an audition for just such a reality show on Craig’s List, rent out some kind of huge freakin’ ballroom, and when all the losers show up to audition I will lock them inside the room and force them to listen to a 6-hour lecture from Dr. Phil.

Now THAT would be worth watching.