We want to be popular

I’m noticing a trend in the “fluff” section of the newspaper lately – it seems there is a lack of fluffy news so they are printing stories that really say nothing. I remember thinking this yesterday as I perused the Life section but the story was so unmemorable I can’t even recall the topic.

Today’s nothing headline: Think your kid’s No. 1? Check the baby name database to find out

I will say this, the Social Security Administration baby name database is an excellent way to waste an hour or two. It’s interactive, so you can type in a name, which gender to identify it with, and how many years you want to check its rating and up pops a list. Though it only took me 30 minutes to figure out that we are a family of unpopular names.

Take my own; Stacey. When I was born in 1964 it was the 126th most popular name for a baby girl. Its highest rating was a run from ’71-’73 where it maintained at #41 but it has steadily fallen since then and in 2008 it is now 977, barely maintaining its place in the top 1000. The Social Security site only lists names when they appear in the top 1000 and my name didn’t even appear on that list until 1950!

It’s not like my parents were celebrities who gave me a freaky name – like Menudo Petshop – on purpose, so why am I so far down the list? I checked my husband’s name, which has been around longer (it broke the top 1000 in 1910) but has never risen higher than #315 (1989). The year he was born it was number #668.

I HAD to check my children’s names. I took the naming of my children quite seriously. I wanted names that sounded authoritative without sounding stuffy, were unique enough to make them feel special, yet normal enough that we can buy crap with their name on it while on vacation (this didn’t work out for my son, however. We had a difficult time agreeing on a name for him and did the best we could. Not even Vegas has crap imprinted with his name.) I’m not afraid of alliteration but totally HATE hard R rhyming (Parker Werner – blech!). But, somehow, we ended up with two less-than-popular names. My daughter’s name peaked at #41 and was #89 the year we named her and has also steadily declined since then, now resting at #180. My son’s name has never risen above #203 and was #465 the year we named him.

I’m wondering how this collection of totally mediocre names is affecting us as a family. Could we be getting better tables in restaurants? Could our kids be getting better grades in school? Could our inboxes have less spam? Could more popular names make our lives better?

And no wonder Glinda sings “I Want to be Popular” in Wicked. Her name peaked at #726 in 1951 and hasn’t even appeared on the top 1000 list since 1955. I think that story could have had a much happier ending if only she had been named Emily.

Stop the fake typing

Our newspaper didn’t show up this morning so I called to report a “delivery issue” and – sidebar here – A delivery issue? This is the only option I was given and I would like to go on the record as saying that not getting the paper (that we pay for) is not an “issue,” it’s a mistake or an error or a flub or some other word meaning someone screwed up or got confused or isn’t doing their job. You’re a newspaper! Use the right words for Pete’s sake!

Anyway, when you call to report a “delivery issue” your call is handled by a computerized-but-very-friendly-and-compassionate-sounding female voice who asks you questions and responds to your verbal answers. I actually prefer punching in numbers, btw, as I feel like an idiot walking around the house in my pajamas trying to enunciate clearly into the phone so she doesn’t come back on and say “I didn’t understand your answer. Here are the options again.” Maybe it’s just me, but she sounds a little impatient at this point. So I tell Computer Chick all my info – it’s only today’s paper I didn’t receive, yes I WOULD like someone to deliver one (who DOESN’T choose this?), phone number and address, and then she says “Let me pull up your account.”

And then I hear the sound of typing!

Hiring someone that sounds friendly and helpful to record your computerized voice options is one thing, but why the fake typing sound? Are you trying to make me believe that I’ve been talking to a real person this whole time who is now typing my info into the computer, or do you think I won’t believe she’s actually looking up MY account unless I hear some kind of keyboard sound effects?

All I can imagine is that someone got all caught up in their job of setting up the computerized voice option system and went through it over and over listening to every possible combination of answers and then said to himself, "This really needs some typing sounds to make it sound authentic."

It's like that plastic strip of "grass" that comes with supermarket sushi. If I'm eating sushi in Japan there is probably a real leaf or something separating the different kinds of sushi, and if I'm talking to a real operator there are gonna be some typing sounds: I don't need the cheap imitations.