I don’t know how these people caught sight of my abs as I usually hide them under several layers of clothing but this morning there was an email waiting for me all about the Flex Belt – “a truly awesome breakthrough in technology!”
This thing must truly be awesome because that very word is used at least 12 times in the email, and probably hundreds more times on the website that I didn’t visit, being predisposed to hand over cold, hard cash to anything that promises to “do the work for me.”
According to the very tempting email (don’t click on the website, DON’T click on the website) the Flex Belt has achieved 100% results in a clinical trial. Another nice thing about the Flex Belt is that the company doesn’t discriminate – they don’t want just the flabby and lazy to buy their product, they promise even MORE definition to the toned and defined. At last! A way for the fitness industry to get even more money – don’t limit yourself to marketing towards the unfit, make EVERYONE feel inferior for not having a Flex Belt. And I know it will work because as I’m sitting here pretending I have abs of steel I am thinking to myself “I EARNED these abs, and if those lazy SOB’s are just gonna buy a Flex Belt and get toned abs then I’M going to buy one too and get even MORE toned and they will NEVER catch up! Bwahahahahahaha!”
And I have to give kudos to the copywriter who – in one email – came up with several new and varied ways to stick the word ‘awesome” in. One of my favorites:
We don’t think an awesome athlete and legend like Jerry Rice of the San Francisco 49ers would back the product and use it himself if it didn’t work.
Really? Like Leeza Gibbons really uses that crappy mineral makeup or Daisy Fuentes pops in her Winsor Pilates DVD every day or Jessica Simpson is still using ProActive. I think, if given enough money, even an “awesome athlete and legend” would pimp for the Flex Belt, or even Sansabelt.
Another “awesome” feature of the Flex Belt is the 2-year extended warranty so you can get your belt replaced should anything happen to it…no questions asked. The “no questions asked” part makes me a tad nervous and I can’t help but wonder in what kind of condition Flex Belts have been returned. Usually when a company asks no questions they don’t want you to ask any questions either – especially about the burns on your back.
Further down I am tempted once again to check out the website because of this statement:
The official website it awesome! It is visually stunning and leaves nothing to the imagination which is helpful when purchasing a $199 item.
First, note another creative use of “awesome;” and then the tease of leaving nothing to the imagination - because I can imagine all kinds of people doing all kinds of stupid things with a Flex Belt and can’t help but wonder if the website really shows them all. Especially after they point out that “a lot of people order an additional belt for their spouse so they can wear them together.” I’m guessing that part of the site has an R rating.
It makes me dream of a world where everyone has a Flex Belt and wears it for the required 30 minutes a day five days a week and everyone has toned abs so they are no longer special and the hot new look is flabby abs and muffin tops are back in fashion. And I am considered a goddess!
WELCOME TO NEW CANADA, BITCHES.
2 days ago