Shameless shilling

Someday, when my book is published, I hope that people who find my writing entertaining (and at last count there are about 8 of you - stay strong!) will let people know that I have a book coming out and that they should indeed read it. Today, I am trying to pay that forward.

But you really should read this book. (It comes out today!)

First, her first THREE books are hilarious! Second, Jen Lancaster is the girl that the rest of us want to sit by at dinner because you just know she is going to say something SO funny that you will end up snorting white wine out through your nose but you won't care because you'll be able to go into work the next day (if you have a job) and say "OMG I was sitting next to the FUNNIEST woman last night and you won't believe what she said about....."

Reading her books is a lot like that dinner. In fact, if you're drinking white wine while reading one of her books you may end up - if not blowing wine out your nose - at least choking on a sip and being forced to look around the house for someone to perform the Heimlich. (You won't really need the Heimlich, though. It's just wine.)

Jen herself will be signing books at Borders in Birmingham tonight at 7 p.m. I can't go (I have a meeting. I KNOW! I also had a chance to go to the Tigers game tonight though I definitely would have chosen a Jen sighting over the Tigers) so please show up and then email me and tell me how funny she is in person and what I missed because I am such a loser.

Here's a link to her website http://www.jennsylvania.com/.

Heaven in a Tube

I have been in a funk today. I could still be going through cheese-withdrawal or it could be the fact that I’m signed with every agency in town and have applied or expressed interest in about a billion jobs and yet my phone is not ringing! It also could be that I’m trying to write a difficult section of my book and find a way to write about certain people without sounding judgmental and snobby (2 things I hate about myself).

So you see; funk.

And I’ve tried everything to get out of it. I tried reading Jen Lancaster and the Fug Girls, two things which usually cheer me right up. I tried watching a DVR’d episode of 30 Rock that I missed a few weeks ago (only to find that it wasn’t still on there because God Forbid we run out of room on the DVR for The Suite Life of Zach and Cody!). Nothing worked.

Until…….

At first I didn't get too excited because it could be a package for someone else in the house. I didn't even run to meet him at the door like usual. But my nonchalance was completely unwarranted because....

It's for me!

And I don't even care that my Product Junkie secret is out! Want one of your own? Go here.

(I'm also a little happier/feeling stupid because I just realized while writing this that I can watch full episodes of 30 Rock online.)

Porn in my mailbox

This morning I was deleting the email in the Spam box and came across one that said “Blow up her sofa.” I did not recognize the address and assumed it was sexual (as most of them are) and deleted it. But then I began to wonder…

Because I have no idea what “blow up her sofa” means. Am I that old? I realize it’s been a good long time since sexual metaphors crept into my conversation on a regular basis (Thank God!) but am I so old that I don’t even recognize them anymore? Usually I can figure out what the metaphor is representing, but this one had me stumped. No matter how much I thought about it, it just sounded painful and unnecessary. Perhaps her sofa would just like to be stroked and talked kindly to.

Thanks to Jen Lancaster, Chick Lit Memoirist Extraordinaire, I am now familiar with a website called Urbandictionary.com which will give you the definition of all those phrases and metaphors that you can’t quite figure out. (There is a hilarious scene in one of her books with her mother insisting that someone tell her what a “reach around” is. It was painful and hysterical.) So I tried the site but there is no definition – yet – for “blow up her sofa.”

I still did not want to open the email. I have, unsuspectingly, opened too much porn for my liking lately and have no interest in seeing whatever grotesque, misshapen, and odd positions people will put themselves in to achieve the sofa blowing up…so I googled it. The first sites that came up led to Canadian pharmacy sites promoting Viagra.

Really, Canada? Blow Up Her Sofa is the best you can come up with? That explains a lot.