Wednesday, January 27, 2010

WTF is a veiled cloche?

First I'd like to apologize to all 15 of my readers for not posting more regularly. Yes, I did just start a new job and it sounds all fancy and busy to say that but, really, I'm working from 10-2 on Sundays yet that somehow does manage to force me to play catch up for the rest of the week. It's like all my productivity has formerly happened from 10-2 on Sundays and now that that time has been claimed I now have to somehow complete that Sunday 10-2 work in the hours between Monday and Friday and it takes all frickin' week to do it. (Yes, I just let you know that I don't do anything on Saturday. Pleh.)

Anyway, this morning I was once again deleting spam from one of my AOL email accounts (Yes, I still use AOL and yet I am not a grandma. Go figure. And yes AOL spam filters are not that effective) and I delete one that says How To Wear Sweatpants in Public but then the curiosity drives me crazy and I have to go into Recently Deleted Mail and Restore it because since I turned 40 I have been experiencing issues with my waistbands and who wouldn't want to fashionably wear sweatpants in public if it, indeed, can be done.

It can't.

Here's what the email said....

Comfort aside, sweats have suddenly emerged as a fashion do. However, there are rules to follow. We snagged a couple of pairs of Fruit of the Loom men's fleece sweatpants in black and gray and uncovered the fabulous ways of wearing sweatpants in public. Here's how to wear sweats with...

Then there was a slide show with pictures of all the different ways to "dress up" sweatpants and even where you could get the accessories to complete the look! Most of the "ensembles" simply fell under the category of Lame. Until this...

This is Julie. I'm going to assume that Julie was well-compensated for her day of modeling because it makes me feel better about this outfit. That's the only thing that makes me feel better about this outfit. From the bad necklace to the ridiculously large and poorly placed sweatpant cord that seems to be resembling a fake penis to the shoes....this outfit just screams "I need to rethink this whole "model" career path!"

While looking at the picture I couldn't stop thinking "The necklace? Really?" and "How the hell could she ride that bike in those shoes? For one thing they are too big! And wouldn't that heel get caught in the pedal? Or the spokes?"

Then there was this....

Becca gets extra points for looking just as confused and pissed off as she must have been when told she would be modeling sweatpants with granny boots while sitting on a fake antique chest. I just have to include the site description for this photo:

Dainty Details:
Sweat suits hit their peak in the 1970s but you can give them a romantic 1870s feel with lace-up
boots, delicate chains, and a velvet blazer. Add a veiled cloche for an even more vintage feel.

I swear I am not trying to make up for not blogging in a while with an ultra-long post but "Dainty Details"??? WTF???? And I totally had to google "veiled cloche" in case it was another piece of furniture that one would be forced to have on them at all times to make the "vintage sweatpants" outfit really work but turns out it's just a hat.

Good night everyone.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Harley Pasternak is evil

I have ascertained that the fatigue of this week was mainly caused by the evil, evil Harley Pasternak workout from Exercise TV that I did on Tuesday (and it was only 20 minutes long! HOW out of shape am I?) so what did I do this morning? ANOTHER ONE!

Because something that makes me feel that bad can only be good for me....eventually. Right?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

This Month's Distraction

Is anyone else exhausted?

I am frickin' exhausted. I don't know if it's the weather, or if I'm really busier than usual ('cuz it feels like I'm busier but it could just feel busier because I am so. very. tired), or if I'm actually working out hard enough to actually tire my muscles (doubtful, but...maybe), or perhaps I am just as lazy as I've always feared but all I want to do is curl up in bed and stay there for about 48 hours with no one bothering me and no meals to prepare and nowhere to go and nothing to clean.

Of course, the Voice In My Brain is having a field day with this exhaustion and keeps whispering things like "Cancer!" "Anemia!" and "Severe Mental Illness!!" which really isn't helping the situation and makes me want to take a vacation from my brain as well as from all the housework, etc.

Is it just me? Please say it's not just me.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Knock it off!

A note to the woman in the lobby at the ice rink whose son beeped loudly and incessantly like a backing-up-vehicle for 15 minutes:

You're lucky there were no hockey sticks handy.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

The more things change.....

What is it about Detroit politics that turns nearly every one who gets elected into the same kind of idiot? Didn't we all think that Charles Pugh, after spending years being part of the process that unearthed and reported on the stupid things that Detroit politicos pulled, would be smart enough not to do the same things the media was purportedly aghast over? And yet the first thing I see this morning is a story that he has hired his step-mother as an aide.

And am I the only one who enjoyed reading the list of what the Kilpatrick's spent their money on from October 2008 through October 2009? $2,676 on Maid Pro maid service? Do you have a maid, 'cuz I sure don't and I don't owe the city of Detroit a million dollars either! I'm also thinking that if they hadn't spent $485 on Chick-Fil-A and $303 on cheesecake and $98 at Smoothie King then they wouldn't have needed to spend $330 on a weight loss center and $145 on Beachbody fitness programs.

I'm just sayin'.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

In case I don't make's some evidence

I am trying to clean up the kitchen but keep getting distracted by these tracks that lead from the back of our yard right up to my house.....

What kind of creature can go all bowlegged like that? And is it hiding in the bushes? Did it scramble onto the roof? Is it trying to get in right now and kill me? And why is it January 13 and I still haven't bought postcard stamps for my New Year postcards? Should I just write Happy Valentine's Day on them and wait a month? I mean, now that I've seen these tracks I can't leave the house to go buy stamps; what if it's waiting outside the garage? Was it watching me when I came home from the gym? What if it snuck in while the door was open and hid behind the trash can and it's in the garage right now!! What was that noise? Oh, it was the ice maker. Right? It was just the ice maker? But why did it sound like it was coming from the garage? What the hell is in my garage?

Monday, January 11, 2010

My iPhone is smarter than I am

Yes, I got an iPhone for Christmas. And I just discovered yesterday that I didn't have a voicemail mailbox anymore even though the nice people at AT&T (I am not contractually obligated by my iPhone purchase to state that, I'm just not taking any chances) transferred everything else from my old phone (including my photos, nice) and I just assumed that the voicemail mailbox would make it too but apparently, no, so how about a moment of silence for my voicemail mailbox.

I am a little scared of my iPhone because it knows how to do a lot of things that I don't. For instance, I have Sync in my car but could never figure out how to really hook it up to my old phone and had to manually do it every time I got in the car but the minute I got into the car with my iPhone it was like Sync and my iPhone were old friends being reunited and they started doing all kinds of stuff like downloading my mailbox without me. And I'm starting to get worried that one of these days I'll get in the car and my Sync and my iPhone will have decided that I need to go to Five Guys and I'll be like "But I'm vegan!" but they won't care and the doors will lock by themselves and they'll drive me there and somehow force me to eat a burger.

And you might think it's a little ridiculous for me to think that but yesterday, when I was re-setting up my voicemail account (and WHY is voicemail the ONE thing that doesn't make the cut?) the iPhone computer voice lady is telling me that I need to think of a password and then - even though she's a computer! - she actually waits while I'm thinking of a password and she waits so long that I start to wonder if I won't even need to type the password in and maybe she knows what I'm thinking!

P.S. My iPhone is in the kitchen right now so it won't see me typing this. But it probably knows. It knows everything.

P.S.S. Yes, I know I am spoiled. My children keep reminding me of all the "stuff" I have and how spoiled I am and it's true, I am just plain spoiled these days. I have no idea why. Though I would like them to leave the dishwasher off the list because, yes, I did want a new dishwasher and I AM the only one who uses it but that still doesn't make it a "gift."

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Another post about dieting

Why? Because I'm hungry because I'm barely eating (and yes, I do consider 1200 calories a day "barely eating" though I actually ate 250 more than that because immediately adds in the calories you exercise off but I gotta tell you that even 1450 calories just doesn't feel like enough).

And speaking of, my sisters are totally kicking my ass. It's kind of like a social media dieting website; besides adding and subtracting my caloric intake for the day I can Friend people and even read blogs if I want to (Um, no, I have my own angsty weight battle story and don't really need to read yours, Oprah) so I Friended both my sisters on there and they are barely eating (for real) and it's not fair. Oh, they are actually weighing themselves too and then reporting how much weight they lose and just LOVES to let me know that "Amy lost another 1.6 lbs today and has lost 7 lbs overall!"

Do you think taunting me is the best way to encourage me to lose weight, Do you?

AND, not only do both of them have a higher caloric "allowance" per day than I do, but reports at the end of the day if you finish below your calorie goal and of course they both do every single day because they are barely eating (for real) and I just know that if they keep up (not) eating like this one or both of them is going to snap and I'm going to end up having to make a road trip and lure them down from the bell tower with a package of cookies or a pound cake or something.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Food, Glorious Food

Well, it's the first Monday of the New Year and you know what that means. It's time to diet. I mean, I'm not the only one who managed to pack on about 15 pounds between October 1st - when the Halloween candy comes out - and New Year's Day am I? Am I? Remember the Good Old Days when Fat Season was Thanksgiving through Christmas? How much damage can you do in four short weeks? But now, thanks to retailers who are putting out the Easter candy while the Christmas candy is still on sale (And NO I did not buy any sale Christmas candy OR Easter candy today though there were some Cadbury Mini Eggs calling my name by the 10 Items Or Less aisle) and how about a little DOWN time between the Holidays, people?

Is that too much to ask?

I'm a little cranky because it's my first day without sugar in quite. some. time. and because my sisters jumped on this site for their diets and I got an iPhone for Christmas and has an App and my phone is still new enough that I'm a sucker for anything with an App so I joined too and typed in all the food I ate today and, really, the "healthy" Nut Mix looks just as bad for me as the Kettle Brand Salt and Freshly Ground Pepper potato chips so why didn't I just have TWO servings of potato chips which is what I really wanted in the first place?

What the hell was I talking about again?

Oh yeah. I'm hungry.