Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Shut the Clay up

Whose turn is it to pay attention to Clay Aiken? Because you are NOT doing your job and he's resorted to blogging all sorts of contradictory statements that the "media" is "reporting" because any real news - like GM declaring BANKRUPTCY - is apparently not as important as a former freaky reality-show-contestant's opinions on a current freaky reality-show-contestant (BTW, Adam, I know your freakiness is totally contrived and I'd love to have a beer with you sometime. Do you drink beer? Probably not. I make a great pomegranate margarita, how does that sound? If I gave you enough of them could I get you to play Rock Band with me?)

Anyway, in his latest missive Aiken "apologizes" for his comment that Lambert's rendition of Ring of Fire made his ears bleed ("I just happened to be piercing them, again, while I was watching Idol") but now says that the show is "different" and that when HE was on folks made it because they were "real people."

(Excuse me. Cannot. Stop. Giggling.)

Oh, Clay, you've got your GLAAD endorsement and your baby, can't you just leave Adam alone? We like Adam! He made us long to see Queen live again! What did you ever make us long for, except a hay ride and a diction coach?

Monday, May 25, 2009

2 lbs of potato chips

Last week I visited Costco to prepare for a family joining us for an after-baseball cookout on Friday evening and I came across these

and bought them in the 2-lb size.

Now, normally I am a local chip-type gal (Better Made, my heart belongs to you) but these chips are like the hot guy who is visiting your college campus for a weekend and you know you will most likely never see him again so you give in to temptation and totally overindulge and even though a small part of you thinks he is SO delicious that you're kind of hoping you run into him again you know he is NO GOOD for you and he totally makes you ignore all your friends AND your homework and that any kind of relationship will end badly and while it was fun while it lasted you're also a little glad it's over.

In other words: it's Monday and the bag is nearly empty.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Mr. Handyman

Yesterday I found myself behind the Mr. Handyman van and now I can't stop wondering....

Why is the guy who is coming to fix my shelves so dressed up?

Look at him. At first I just noticed the top hat, but then I realized that he is also sporting a cummerbund and bow tie. I don't know what to make of this. Should I be wearing a ball gown when Mr. Handyman arrives at the door? Must I serve champagne? What if the broken shelf is just for my trashy paperbacks - not even the hardcovers? Is that beneath him? Will he only tighten gold-plated faucet handles?

Is this logo really working for them? In the movies when you see a guy in a tuxedo and some kind of weapon he's either a spy or a bad guy. When I see this I think Mr. Handyman is either going to kill me or tap my phone.

And if he's so good, why can't he fix that tilty H?

Monday, May 18, 2009

I'll have the wheat toast and a cup of mercury

Yesterday morning someone in Hazel Park called the police to report a cup of mercury in a business parking lot. First, I had no idea it was illegal to park in a cup in Hazel Park. I feel like I've dodged a bullet. Second, Ok, exactly how did that conversation go?

911: Emergency, how may I help you?

Caller: Um, I'm in a parking lot in Hazel Park and I'm pretty sure there's a cup of mercury parked right next to me.

911: Is the mercury armed?

Caller: I don't know! Wait! It's moving!

911: Someone is on the way. I'm going to stay on the line with you....

Caller: Thank you. OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod.

911: Do you see the the officers yet?

Caller: Noooooooo! Hurry, please. Please!

Where do you get a CUP of mercury? I remember in science class when the teacher showed us this "scary new life-form" on the overhead projector that seemed to float and eat other life-forms and then it turned out to be mercury. I still don't understand why he showed us that, unless he had some unfulfilled desire to be a magician and this was his one opportunity. Now that I think about it, he WAS wearing a top hat. But he had only the smallest amount of mercury and he kept it under lock and key and I don't think we even knew then how very scary mercury is. So how does someone get a whole cup of it? If you're working at a hardware store and someone buys 400 thermometers wouldn't you file that under suspicious? Wouldn't that be the point where police would be contacted? And why keep it in a cup? It seems like it would be more fun in a Ziploc bag.

And if you've illegally obtained a cup of mercury, how do you accidentally leave it in a parking lot?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Miss California will you please SHUT UP!

Proving once again that you don't need to be smart to carry the title of Miss.....anything, Miss California went on the Today Show this morning and told Matt Lauer that that only reason there are half-naked pictures of her floating around the internet is....a strong wind.

Apparently being given a second chance has not taught her when to keep her mouth shut. Though Donald Trump - Granter of Second Chances - was sitting right beside her on the Today sofa practically counting the money from this latest free publicity. He did everything but say her lines for her.

So she doesn't know when to shut up and she doesn't recognize when she's being used. She's a TERRIFIC role model for girls everywhere.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day gush

I don't know if the it's the day or what, but I'm looking at the photos my nearly 14-year old daughter just posted on her FB page and she looks SO happy and most-of-all CONFIDENT that I just want to cry.

I know she's not that confident 100% of the time. She has her moments of breaking down over school, friends, boys, and skating. I get that; at her age I think I had .oo5% of her confidence. Yes, I'll admit I'm a little jealous. She is the girl I would have tried to hang out with at that age. She is kind and witty and fun and respectful. And she makes me feel like I'm doing a darn good job as a mom.

What a gift.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Shameless shilling

Someday, when my book is published, I hope that people who find my writing entertaining (and at last count there are about 8 of you - stay strong!) will let people know that I have a book coming out and that they should indeed read it. Today, I am trying to pay that forward.

But you really should read this book. (It comes out today!)

First, her first THREE books are hilarious! Second, Jen Lancaster is the girl that the rest of us want to sit by at dinner because you just know she is going to say something SO funny that you will end up snorting white wine out through your nose but you won't care because you'll be able to go into work the next day (if you have a job) and say "OMG I was sitting next to the FUNNIEST woman last night and you won't believe what she said about....."

Reading her books is a lot like that dinner. In fact, if you're drinking white wine while reading one of her books you may end up - if not blowing wine out your nose - at least choking on a sip and being forced to look around the house for someone to perform the Heimlich. (You won't really need the Heimlich, though. It's just wine.)

Jen herself will be signing books at Borders in Birmingham tonight at 7 p.m. I can't go (I have a meeting. I KNOW! I also had a chance to go to the Tigers game tonight though I definitely would have chosen a Jen sighting over the Tigers) so please show up and then email me and tell me how funny she is in person and what I missed because I am such a loser.

Here's a link to her website