Why Am I Bradley Cooper?

According to my clairvoyant friend, Camille, we are everyone in our dreams.

So I've spent today trying to figure out why I'm Bradley Cooper, an incredibly hot, talented, and wealthy actor who is 11 years younger than me and went to a much better school.

Last night I dreamed we were starring in a movie together and even had a make-out scene (ok, it was really a sex scene but I fear that makes me sound pervy).

I just really wanted to tell everyone about that dream.

Straight To The Dog Days

I finally understand what Spring is really about.

Because this year we went straight from temps in the mid-60's to temps in the high-80's in less than a week and we didn't have the need or get the time for the buffer wardrobe and so I went from completely covered up to tank tops in 6 days and that is not nearly enough time.

I need the weeks of lighter-weight pants and short sleeves to make me gently recognize and begin to work on the cellulite that has accumulated over the winter. Going straight from sweaters to spaghetti straps is too shocking, too overwhelming, and too much skin to deal with.

I'm sure when you're 20, the sudden switch from parka to bikini is a simple matter of Tan Towels and a Pilates class; achievable in under 24 hours. The older you get, the longer the transition takes and I think that's why Diane Keaton continues to wear turtlenecks throughout most of the summer in Something's Gotta Give; she finally made the switch to v-necks by late July/early August and her date with the young Doctor (played so darn well by Keanu Reeves and no I don't have a small crush but what if I did there's no law against it).

What I'm trying to say is, I either need Cellulite Boot Camp or an Arsenal of Turtlenecks and Unlimited Funds for the Air Conditioning Bill. I'm hot as hell and I can't take it anymore.

I wish I could write at night

Perhaps I should clarify.

I am physically capable of writing at night, but the mental process escapes me. I recognize all kinds of great ideas and writing after 8 p.m. but am not capable of creating them myself.

OK, that's not exactly true. I'm good at short bursts. Twitter kinda works for me after 8 pm. (example: What really made The Biggest Loser guy look better? Losing 150 lbs or losing the Hurley from Lost perm? See, not bad, huh?)

The house is quiet, I'm comfy in my pajamas (is that too much information?), and I would LOVE to be able to pound out some prose or blogging or something. Yet here I sit, quoting Law and Order. And have I mentioned that some kid at my daughter's school tried to blow himself up with jewelry-making equipment today and ended up in a scuffle with a couple of teachers who got injured trying to subdue him? Who knew jewelry-making was so dangerous. Of course, my daughter's biggest issue with this "incident" was that one of the hero teachers pulled the fire alarm and "we were out there for, like, a long time and it was really hot." Which is why you should always. be. hydrating.

No one ever listens.

Thank you

A lot of very nice people have been sending me very nice messages and I'd just like to say

THANK YOU

to all of you.

However, to those who are saying nice things with a condescending tilt of the head and a little bit of "poor you" in your voice I say Knock It Off because I'm not Conan O'Brien, I didn't get screwed over, and I have plenty to do. Really.

Hypocrites

First, I'd like to extend my congratulations to Rima Fakih, the newly crowned Miss America. Next, I would like to extend a SHUT UP ALREADY to the radio station that CAN'T STOP trying to get some attention from her success.

A personality from this radio station had no qualms whatsoever about posting pics from their website of Rima at a station-sanctioned striptease party on his Facebook page first thing Monday morning ("Homegrown talent! Here's some pics!"), then spent the rest of the day belittling every other news source who also wanted copies of the pics and/or talked about it.

This morning the radio station Tweeted about having a copy of a movie that she appeared in called Throbbing Justice, but were also posting comments about how "exhausted" they were over requests for the stripper pics.

You're not exhausted, you've been called out as the hypocrites you are. Own it and shut up.

This morning the Facebook page had a link to an article that "finally got it right." This is from the article on msnbc.com "The pictures had been on [the site] since Fakih participated in the contest in 2007, but nobody seemed to take any notice of them, not even when the dark-haired beauty became Miss Michigan USA to earn a spot in the Miss USA pageant that was held last week in Las Vegas. But as soon as Fakih was crowned Sunday night, the tabloid media started digging for dirt on her."

This isn't exactly true. The media didn't "go digging," they were handed the photos on a Facebook platter. And the station didn't have a problem handing them over until everyone else in town started asking WHY they would do such a thing.

I'll tell you why they would do such a thing: ratings, attention, dollars.

Which was fine until it turned on them and everyone started accusing them of besmirching a beauty queen for ratings, attention, and dollars and they decided to act all innocent.

Man up.

Go, sis, go

My nieces are competitive dancers and I am not a fan. I'm a BIG fan of my nieces, don't get me wrong, but I am not a fan of dance competitions. For one thing, their point system seems to be loosely based on ALL point systems in existence...they incorporate metals (gold, metal, silver), gems (ruby, emerald), and the old-fashioned first, second, third into one stew that is unappetizing when served and makes the receiver wonder exactly what they got. ("Is there meat in this? Tofu?") I swear my youngest niece once came home with a Second Ruby Platinum Award and I said "Yes, but did she win?" and my sister said "Well, she was first in her age division but fourth overall" and really, if you're going to make these girls spend all their time practicing and giving up their weekends and wearing false eyelashes for 10 hours at a stretch they should at least be able to go home KNOWING that they danced better than Susie Tapshoes.

I also don't like the aspect of it that hit the news last week - little girls in skimpy outfits doing moves they don't understand to lyrics they shouldn't repeat. My sister insists that the dance company her daughters patronize attends only family-friendly dance competitions (No Hoochy Displays Allowed!) and was, in fact, in town for one such competition this past weekend. To her dismay, there was a lot more on display than ability. She reported that one number resembled a Vegas show she'd seen a while back and was TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE for my nieces (and therefore 80% of the audience) to watch.

So my sister sat down and wrote a letter to the owners of the competition - and quoted their very own website at them and suggested that if they really believe the "family-friendly" values that they proudly tout that perhaps they should school their judges to stop giving top awards to the skanky groups (a top award being a Platinum Diamond First or some other such nonsense).

I've never been more proud. I'm giving her a Platinum Diamond First!

Update: How about she got a response from these losers and all it said was "I respectfully disagree." WTF?! So I checked out the website myself and in the banner at the top it says "Nice matters." Really?! Getting flashed is nice? No, getting flashed is gross. Learn the difference.

Why is private school so darn expensive?

I'm a little cranky today because an administrator who shall remain nameless at my son's school approached my son and said "Your mom called me and told me you are having some trouble with some kids in school," and, DUDE, I NEVER CALLED YOU!

My son IS having trouble with some kids in school. I refuse to totally blame the other kids - my son is a tad dramatic and tends to over react and I know this is like catnip to elementary-age boys - but, really, when my son comes home and says he can't get his work done because a kid keeps continuously tapping him with a pencil or putting his hand over my son's paper so he can't see his work I get a little annoyed. And I know kids do things to each other but it's the same kids over and over and I've already been in to talk to the teacher who is doing the best she can and yes, I do realize that if my son were able to focus a little better he wouldn't be having half the problems he's having but how is supposed to be able to focus with all the CRAP going on?

All of this does not change the fact that someone LIED to my son. I don't care if you need to address the issue and need to find a way to approach him, find a way to do it without lying. I don't need you undermining MY relationship with my son to address an issue that should have been addressed months ago - and it should have been addressed months ago because I have had to say the same thing to my son after school every day this year...."Just ignore them."

Thank you for getting a puppy

My daughter and I are both suffering from Tiny Dog Fever. We are dying for a small dog we can transfer from purse to purse and dress up in ridiculous outfits. Whenever we see a small dog we have to alert the other:

"TINY DOG! TINY DOG"

"TINY DOG IN A PINK SWEATER!"

"CURIOUS TINY DOG IN A SWEATER THAT WON'T KEEP WALKING BECAUSE IT FOUND SOMETHING SMELLY ON THE SIDEWALK!"

My husband is totally against dogs, even other people's dogs. I'm guessing there's some traumatic crotch-sniffing incident from his youth. And while I want a dog in theory, I do realize that getting a dog is like having another baby who remains a toddler forever and I'd like to thank all the people in my life who have suddenly gotten puppies (and there seem to be a lot of you, hmmm) and are sharing all kinds of stories of being up all night and being dragged outside at all hours and, basically, looking like hell while you talk about your beloved new puppy. You're like puppy birth-control; thank you.