Thursday, January 27, 2011

This Is The Problem With Generic Products - No Marketing (Updated)

Every time I see this picture on the package of generic sandwich bags I shudder because doesn't it look like the sandwich is trying to escape from death by suffocation? It's so disturbing. They may as well print "We Guarantee Your Sandwich Will Be Dead By Lunch Time" on the box. Or maybe that's inferred. Or maybe I accidentally bought Kevorkian-brand sandwich bags thinking they were generic. Either way, I've had this box for about two years now because I get so disturbed looking at the picture that after a few days I buy a new package of non-murderous sandwich bags and throw this package in the bottom drawer "for emergencies" and I'm obviously out of sandwich bags and don't want to go to the store today because it's cold AND it's supposed to snow some more but I'm going to have to go because if I have to open up the drawer and see that picture one more day I may get homicidal.

I did it. Went to the grocery store and stood in the Foils and Bags aisle whistling like an idiot waiting for it to clear out so I could take a picture of a happier package of plastic bags (which I DID purchase) and don't those Cheez-Its looks so happy and relaxed like "We're so happy, we can breeeeeeeathe! Look! Charlie's going for a ride! Whee! Wait a minute! Oh My God, Charlie! Charliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee! For the love of God someone's eaten Charlie!"

OK, so I guess there's not a happy ending for anything that ends up in a plastic sandwich bag, but I still don't need to see it telegraphed on the package.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Serial Abductors Who Lose Their Cell Phones On Purpose

On Sunday we found a cell phone in the parking lot at Beverly Park and after asking all the high school hockey-playing boys if it belonged to any of them and finding out that it didn't we took it home and started calling random numbers to try and find the owner (People - I'm not a fan of that ICE in case of emergency listing either but how about a Home or Wife/Husband listing in case you lose your phone!) and I finally reached someone who could confirm the number so we knew WHO's phone we had but we couldn't get in touch with him because....we had his phone; then we accidentally found his email address somehow and I sent him an email and while I was at work Sunday night a foreign woman claiming to be his wife called the cell phone but my husband couldn't really understand her so then on Monday Phone Owner called me and said he was in downtown Birmingham and I told him I'd meet him at the library but decided to text my husband where I was going and why in case this guy loses his phone on purpose only to have unsuspecting women return it to him so he can abduct them and if I disappeared I wanted someone to know that the last place I was seen was at the library.

Obviously I was not abducted and when I told my husband and children why I sent the text they gave me that just-nod-and-smile-but-don't-get-too-close-to-mom look as if that could never happen.

Monday, January 3, 2011

I Am Too Busy To Even Know How I Feel

One of my least favorite things about being a girl is all the different doctors. There's the regular doctor, and THAT doctor, and since THAT doctor scraped out the inside of my uterus five years ago I have to go see a You're Getting Old Doctor because I don't have any way of gauging what's going on inside except for my exhaustion level which is always pretty much on Over.

Today was a visit with THAT doctor and I had to fill him in on all the stuff I found out from the You're Getting Old Doctor and that I'm now taking thyroid medicine and Vitamin D because my body refuses to manufacture enough of either of those things (except, I guess, my body doesn't really manufacture thyroid, it's the thyroid that is supposed to do the manufacturing and like most small factories in the state of Michigan it has closed up shop. I blame the economy.) and THAT doctor asked me how I was feeling and I said "Well, I started the medication right before Christmas break and it was my son's birthday and I've been working more than usual because I'm the fill-in person and then the cat died so I could be feeling great but I have no way of knowing."

Then he gave me a weird look and offered me a B12 shot which I think is doctor-speak for "Please leave my office."