Saturday, April 24, 2010


Every spring the carpenter ants start trying to take over my house. It's quite annoying, especially when someone - who shall remain nameless - likes to leave glasses that have held juice just sitting out on the kitchen counter without rinsing them (and why not put them in the dishwasher that is right there?). Used juice glasses are like crack for ants. And they're those big black ants that are so fat you can see every individual section of their body and that makes them look extra creepy and they seem to have an innate defensive mechanism because they will RUN when a paper towel is heading in their direction.

They don't really seem to learn, though. If you leave the smushed-up carcass of one lying around as a lesson to the others they do not heed it or even try to drag the body away for a proper burial. Even if they show up together it's every ant for themselves when the killing starts. You always hear about how ants are so great at working together; but, I'm telling you, they don't live up to their PR in my kitchen.

This is from a report my son did in the 2nd grade: 1. Did you know army ants live in tropical jungles because they do. 2. A lot of ants together is so strong they can beat a black beetle. 3. And speaking of strong, it takes only two ants to lift one fat caterpillar.

Does that mean that one ant could lift a thin caterpillar?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Math help

Anyone who can add these elements to = peace please shoot me an email and let me know how you solved it.

1 half day of school.
2 controllers for the Wii
3 kids

Extra credit if you can get the Kindergartner who is addicted to Super Mario Bros. to stop crying.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Why does a lawyer need a spray tan? No, this isn't the beginning of a joke

I'm trying to pay attention to the news while not being distracted by how. very. badly. my entire house needs to be vacuumed and then Sam Riddle gets interviewed after being let out of jail and starts going OFF on Kym Worthy and how her office is full of "chaos and disorder" or something (my short-term memory is shot, my apologies) and then Sam's lawyer comes on and why does Sam Riddle's attorney need a spray tan? Why?

These are the things that keep me up at night when I should be getting to bed early so I can be funny in the morning!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

People who steal from schools

All day I've wanted to sit down and write about that group that charged the Detroit Public Schools millions of dollars to teach the DPS employees how to live healthier lives and then took the money and went shopping and traveling and got manicures and basically did everything except teach the DPS employees how to live healthier lives or even live healthier lives themselves.

But I ended up with quite a full day - a radio shift, writing for one of my part-time jobs, a long, necessary talk with my son, fixing the printer, folding laundry, and a walk because I've eaten nothing but carbs for a week and I'm pretty sure that by Tuesday at noon none of my clothes will fit any longer - and I haven't had time to sit down and write and now it's time for bed because 4:15 is just a few hours away, but I'm still STUMPED and MAD and in DISBELIEF that something like this could even happen.

How does something like this even happen?

Who steal from kids? Who steals from kids that are already suffering? Who steals from kids who come to school without coats or breakfast? How the hell do you convince yourself that the Louis Vuitton bag you are carrying isn't a computer that could be helping several kids develop necessary skills? And even if you have no conscience of your own to keep you from acting like such a major A$$HOLE, how do you do all of this without thinking you are going to get caught?

OK, I've vented and now I can go to bed. Thanks for your patience.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I. Am. So. Stupid.

All month I've been spitting into test tubes (did I warn you that this post was about spit? Sorry. My bad.) and collecting them in my freezer (much to my family's disgust) so I can get my hormone levels tested because I. Am. Getting. Old.

Apparently I'm also hopeless because I've screwed up the test.

I had all these days marked in my calendar that I'm supposed to do the test (i.e. collect saliva) and I thought the last day (where I have to do it, like, 8 different times during the day) was tomorrow but just looked at my calendar and I was supposed to do it today.

Stupid stupid stupid.

I'm going to do it tomorrow and send it in and hope it doesn't screw up my whole month of not eating and/or drinking coffee in the morning until the collection time was over. I'm SO MAD at myself.

Carry on.

Monday, April 5, 2010

My new laptop continues to delight me

I know I shouldn't write about my toys because then you all will start to think I am as spoiled as my children think I am (again, a dishwasher is not a gift just for me, kids) but I just love my birthday laptop (and thank you Facebook and Facebook friends for insisting I choose the laptop); it has become invaluable at my new interim job (mornings with Chris Edmonds on 104.3 WOMC) and does fabulously crazy things like this....

While I'm writing this post I have AOL pulled up but hidden and when I get a new email the little AOL blue triangle thingy hops up and down with excitement! Really! It's like someone is saying "Hey, look down here! You've got some mail! Someone wants to tell you something or Spam you or something! Look! Look! Come on, open it up! See what it is!"

Who can resist that?

And I have to give a BIG shout out to Steve The Former Intern, who has been a huge help and incredibly patient while I try to learn how to use this thing and keeps answering the same stupid questions over and over all while acting like he doesn't mind and doesn't think I'm old and flighty. I think he has a future in politics.

Gotta go. I've got more mail!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

But I'm going back tomorrow....

So, this morning at work I broke a pretty expensive computer program from across the room. I was filling in for Randy Bhirdo on WWJ TV and, when he trained me, Randy was pretty insistent that I turn off the program and restart it once an hour and I was getting ready to go live for my last traffic segment of the hour and was actually thinking to myself "Don't forget to shut down and restart that program right after this" when the director said into my ear "Your computer isn't working." I freaked out and ran over and managed to get it restarted (crisis averted; for now) only to have it crash on me EVERY time I tried to save something, but I kept shutting it down and starting it back up like I"m supposed to except the last time I shut it down it REFUSED to start back up and kept giving me a FATAL ERROR message. Really?! FATAL?! Isn't that being a little dramatic, computer program?

When I left the building there was an IT guy and an engineer and they both had pretty grim looks on their faces and all I can say is that computer program had BETTER look out because I would not want those guys to be mad at me.