I crack myself up

So, on July 13, Neal Rubin invited us to enter a contest.

So, I did. I like a good contest. And I like Detroit. Sometimes against my better judgment, and sometimes in spite of myself, and sometimes in spite of all the CRAP that I have to read about every day.

And sometimes in spite of the fact that it's usually difficult to READ about what's going in Detroit because I don't get the paper delivered every day....and can't even read it online when my power goes out....but I digress.

Anyway, if you're not a link-clicker, the contest is to come up with a motto/slogan for Detroit. The column is really about David Lewis, who coined the slogan "Detroit, where the weak are killed and eaten" and I acknowledge that will be incredibly difficult to top. But, here are my entries. I think any of them will look great on a t-shirt.

Detroit - It Tastes Like Chicken!

Detroit - If You Seek A Disappointing Public Official, Look Around You

Detroit - If You Can Make It Here You'll Probably Find A Much Better Job Somewhere Else

Detroit - At Least The Unemployment Isn't As High As The Dropout Rate

Yes, I realize they're all derivative and childish and ...whatever! My favorite is still #2. Really, don't we just have the market cornered?

A Prayer for Monica

If you're not praying for Monica Conyers then you are just adding to the problem. That's what this self-proclaimed Child of God told the viewers of her weekly TV show yesterday. "The problem" is the fact that the FBI wants her to take a plea deal for accepting bribes in the Synagro scandal.

I'm not sure that I'm "adding to the problem" by not praying for Monica, but I do believe that she is, indeed, in need of prayer. So let's all take a moment.....

Dear God,

Please help Monica Conyers realize that she is A) not above the law, B) not "chosen" by You to be on the Detroit City Council, and C) one of the worst examples of Public Servant that the City of Detroit has produced.

Amen

Monica Conyers to the rescue

Thanks Monica!

Just when we thought there was no one to replace Kwame in the misbehavin’ department you come through for us. We should have seen your potential, it’s been in front of us all along. The bar fight, the hotel fight, the Council meeting fights, threatening other Board members, and the meeting where you obviously downed about 40 pixie sticks before you got there and called Ken Cockrel “Shrek.” Seriously, we applaud you.

Then you pull off the mystery surgery and missed meetings (while still managing to attend a party in your honor – BRILLIANT!) all while taking home $81,000 of the taxpayers money and driving a city-owned Ford Crown Victoria while most of the city residents are riding the bus. It’s like you attended Kwame’s Boot Camp on How To Pretend You’re A Public Servant While Milking It For Everything It’s Worth and you were the top student! Congrats! I suspect that when you are not fulfilling the duties of your “part-time” job you are taking applications to fill out your entourage and secretly planning to fire someone who has dared to cross you.

I will admit that as hard as I have tried to create a buzz about what I’ve been up to (mostly to sell copies of my children’s book The Fairy Painting ) I have never been hounded by the media, so I really don’t know what that’s like, but storming out of the elevator shouting “You are all evil!” before anyone even ASKS YOU A QUESTION is a little over the top. Let them piss you off first, then come out swinging. Better yet, get a body guard to slam Steve Wilson against a wall; that HAD to have been covered at Boot Camp.

And I am totally in awe of how you managed to interrupt city business to whine about the reporters following you around – that is really top-notch It’s All About Me behavior. And really, why ARE they following you around? Don’t they know that who you scream at on Detroit city time is your own business?