Friday, May 4, 2012

Books on Tape

God bless the two of you who still get alerts when I update this blog; you have shown tremendous tenacity and you shall be rewarded someday.  Probably in heaven.  I have no way of knowing who you are so I can reward you myself, but apparently you are doing something right because I haven't been here since February and yet there are teens of people checking out this blog on a daily basis.

I'm training for the Detroit Half Marathon in October and, yes, I realize that's still five months away but you wouldn't believe what a tremendous time suck running four (really three) days a week is.  Especially when you're trying to fit in napping.  And I've been writing some fiction.  OK, only since the beginning of April and I only have two pages but I AM working on it and between that and the running and the college visits (for my daughter) and worrying about prom (again my daughter) then worrying about the prom dress (the daughter again) and the orthodontia (son this time) and work (that would be me) I have barely any wine, I mean time, and creativity left.

That's it for my excuses.  The running was going really well until I broke my toe.  About two weeks ago I had a particularly exhaustive day with a surprise funeral thrown in and when I got home I should have tried to get some sleep but instead I thought 'I CAN fit in a run today!" even though it was super-windy out, and when I was making a turn onto a sidewalk my pinky toe got caught - or caught itself - on the sidewalk (I wear Vibram Five Fingers when I run and now I'm wondering why they're called that because your toes aren't fingers) and that baby toe CLUNG to the sidewalk as if it were trying to make a break for it and head back to the house on it's own and I knew right away that I'd done some kind of damage but I ran another mile and half anyway because my app said I was supposed to run 30 minutes that day and by the end of the night at the Capuchin event at my son's school my toe was large and painful and purple and thank goodness for the cold front that made me not look like an idiot when I wore my Uggs, the only shoes that would fit, into work the next day.  I was pretty sure the toe was broken so I buddy-taped it to the next toe, but the swelling subsided after about 4 days though it's still a little sore after I run on it, and I'm signed up for two 5ks this weekend so Sunday could end up being spent in a wine haze.  As if that weren't enough, I've been listening to Book of Spies while I run and I was about 75% through it when it just QUIT (thankfully near the end of my run) on Tuesday.  For some reason, the last 1/4 of the book didn't download from the library and I had to get on a wait list for it (even though I seriously considered spending $21.95 to download it from the iTunes store because I have invested a lot of miles into that book) and last night's run was not so great because I started listening to some John Grisham book and he's totally forgotten how to write characters and is just writing cases now and it's so. very. dry.  But I opened my email today and Book of Spies is available for checkout so I downloaded it and I have a feeling I'm going to ROCK those 5ks and that's what I've been doing and now you're probably wishing I'd just left it alone, aren't you?

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Still Laughing

You know how sometimes you have the perfect comeback or the perfect line at the perfect moment and maybe it only makes sense in that place and time but in that place and time it is BRILLIANT (or so it seems to you)?

I'm still cracking up over one of those moments from this week. I'll probably come back to this in a few weeks and read it and think "That's not funny; that's just stupid." But I don't care. Today I still think I was HILARIOUS. And I don't often think I'm hilarious in all caps.

We were talking about the cemetery that Donald Trump plans to build next to his high-end golf course and Bobby Mitchell wondered aloud if The Donald would be buried there and if his hair would be buried next to him.

My line: "His hair isn't going to be buried. It's going to be frozen in case they find a cure for it in the future."

Sorry. Still cracking myself up.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Running Into My Fat Jeans

Last year at this time I started training for the October Detroit Free Press marathon and actually got myself up to running four miles at a stretch until I suddenly went back to work full time which brought pretty much all exercise to a sudden screeching halt as I have to get up at 3:20 am (but I am NOT complaining! LOVE this job!).

This year I decided to try again, but have lowered my sights a little and am shooting for the half-marathon because I still need to nap occasionally. I bought an app that tells me how long to run every day and I've been running about 7 miles a week and all I have to show for it are tighter pants.

That's right. Tighter pants. What the what?

How is this fair or right or even possible? My eating has remained about the same yet my thighs are straining the material of my jeans and I may or may not have had to undo the button on my pants one recent morning when I was feeling particularly uncomfortable.

Is this lactic acid? Am I sleep-eating? Am I going to be a size 22 by the time October rolls around? Do I keep running?


Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Golden Globes

10:55 pm - Best Picture Drama = The Descendants. Yay George again! Oh, and Alexander Payne.

10:48 pm - Yay George! Clooney wins Best Actor Motion Picture Drama.

10:41 pm - The Artist wins Best Picture Comedy or Musical and Penelope Ann Miller is welcomed into the Spray Tan Gang.

10:35 pm - Why does Meryl Streep always act so shocked? It's almost Taylor Swift-ish. And is she wearing a Country Western formal gown? I'm so confused.

10:19 pm - Great acceptance speech, Modern Family. Thank you for planning ahead.

10:16 pm - Why was Ricky Gervais bleeped?

10:14 pm - Martin Scorcese wins Best Director for Hugo. I love his eyebrows. They should have their own sitcom.

10:05 pm - Morgan Freeman interrupts his own speech to say "Hi Elton." I guess we all would.

9:54 pm - Ok, I love Reese Witherspoon, but A) her dress doesn't fit at the top, B) she can barely walk in it, and C) her hair looks like she just had sex backstage. WTH?

9:45 pm - Truly happy for Matt LeBlanc. Episodes is fabulous and he deserves to win.

9:43 pm - Tina Fey, that is not your dress.

9:42 pm - Bad hair, Emily Blunt. That's all I'm saying.

9:26 pm - What is Mary J Blige so pissed about? Is it because Tina Fey is wearing the same dress? She just looks sour every time the camera captures her.

9:23 pm - How friggin' cute are William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman?

9:22 pm - I can't decide if I love or hate Nicole Kidman's dress. Because it's one or the other.

9:15 pm - Is that Michelle Pfeiffer sitting with the Speilbergs?

And let's keep track of the tragic spray tans: So far I have Jessica Alba and Rob Lowe. Who am I missing?

9:10 pm - Why did Amanda Peet put her glasses on? It doesn't look right. I refuse to believe she can't see without them.

9:01 pm - Seth Rogen is so funny.

Michelle Williams wins Best Actress Motion Picture. I've heard she's fabulous as Marilyn Monroe. I really need to see more movies.

8:52 pm - WHO was the woman from Turkey with the Flock of Seagulls hairdo? Who? Why? We're so confused!

8:51 pm - Madonna wins best song and Elton John looks really sad. They're trying to play her off and she's ignoring the music. Awesome.

8:47 pm - Best Score, The Artist. Did he say "I'm sorry I'm French." or "I'm sorry, I'm French."? Big difference.

8:35 pm - Best Actor TV Series Drama - Kelsey Grammar. Nice short speech.

Best TV Series Drama - I don't watch any of these shows! But congratulations Homeland. I'm sure you are fabulous and I'm totally missing out.

8:25 pm - Kate Winslet wins Best Actress Mini-Series. I want to know who her date is. Is it that Branson nephew? And she gets played off! Hysterical!

8:13 pm - Ashton Kutcher has cleaned himself up. Yay, Tina Fey for getting in on Amy Poehler's camera shot.

Laura Dern wins Best Actress TV Series. I like her green dress. It reminds me of Christmas.

8:10 pm - Best Supporting Actor - Christopher Plummer for Beginners.

Long speech and he thanked someone for martinis. His wife looks great. Can't believe they waited instead of playing him off.

8:07 pm - Ricky Gervais was funny, but seemed a little restrained. Until he asked Johnny Depp if he's seen The Tourist yet. And Johnny Depp dyed his hair waaaaay too dark. And when did he get an accent? He sounds like Madonna.

8:00 pm - Time for the show! Yay!

7:53 pm - My friend Pam just pointed out that many of the dresses have an 80s feel to them. We're not fans.

7:40 pm - The girls from Glee need some help. Diana Agron's dress ("laser cut swans!") looks like it went through the shredder and Lea Michelle's dress looks more like body paint.

Madonna is wearing an odd dress and has Popeye forearms.

7:35 pm - David Duchovny and Jessica Chastain have the same hairstyle. That must be embarrassing for them.

7:33 pm - Why are Reese Witherspoon and Jimmy Fallon together?

7:31 pm - Heidi Klum is wearing big turquoise jewelry with a gown. It does not like right. Nicole Kidman is in a light purple pharoah's tomb/bondage dress.

7:28 pm - Sarah Hyland's dress is lovely. Mila Kunis looks a little off. She looks like she's wearing last night's makeup and her black dress is sheer in some weird places.

There is a lot of blush on the red carpet. What is that about? I like Kate Beckinsale's version. It's got some bling on it.

7:17 pm - Angelina Jolie's dress is very satiny and very fitted and looks like she stuck a red cocktail napking in the top of it. And her lipstick matches the cocktail napkin perfectly. She and Brad Pitt obviously have projects to promote because they stopped and talk to Ryan Seacrest. Remember just a few years ago when he chased them down the red carpet and they acted like they couldn't hear him? Bahahahahaha!

7:13 pm - Charlize Theron's pale pink low cut dress is pretty except for the oversized square bow on the waist. What the what? And speaking of what the what....what the what is Salma Hayek wearing? It looks 1980s. It also kind of looks like a building. Like her dress is a Transformer.

7:06 pm - I like Kristen Wiig's simple peachy low-cut gown but I wish it had a little more color. It would just be more striking. She looks great and I love it when comediennes glam it up.

7:00 pm - I like Zooey Deschanel's green into black sparkly dress except for the white mini-clown collar around the top. It kinda ruins it for me.

6:59 pm - I like Jane Lynch's black halter dress, but no matter what she wears her breasts always look too low.

6:57 pm - I'm usually not a fan of one-shoulder, but Viola Davis looks incredible in a dark rust-colored dress.

6:55 pm - I'm not sure about Jesse Tyler Ferguson's tux. He kinda looks like he's going to be playing the piano later. And I'm NOT loving Zachary Levi's beard. I don't care if Chuck is over. You still need to look like Chuck.

6:47 pm - Julie Bowen is dressed and styled like a Disney princess.

6:46 pm - What is on the back of Rooney Mara's dress? From what I can see it looks like someone attached a black tulle flower to it. I wonder if she knows.

6:43 pm - Sophia Vergara looks gorgeous, but I'm over those mermaid bottom dresses.

6:38 pm - Diane Lane is ridiculously impossibly gorgeous. Why doesn't she age?

6:36 pm - Sarah Michelle Geller let her two-year old pick out her dress. Obviously.

6:30 pm - What's with all the Dallas housewife hair? (Jessica Chastain). Though I kinda don't mind Nicole Richie's interpretation with a ponytail.

Oooh, just saw the back of Shailene Woodley's dress and wish I'd seen the front.

6:24 pm - I love Melissa McCarthy, but she looks like she's wearing her grandmother's dress and hairdo.

6:14 pm - Piper Perabo is wearing the HUGEST dress! It looks like one of those tents you get your kids to play in!

6:12 pm - Ryan Seacrest is talking to George Clooney and Stacy Keibler (or "the other Stacy" as I like to call her). A) Stacy is taller than George, B) George picked out her dress C) she looks pretty (grumble grumble).

6:04 pm - George Clooney just arrived. Don't the big stars usually show up at the last minute?

5:50 pm - 'Whose tat?' .... really?

5:40 pm - Giuliana just said "Who is going to win the Red Carpet?" There's a Red Carpet award now? Good grief.

5:05 pm - Watching Countdown To The Red Carpet on E!. I hate to speak ill of someone's who's BEEN ill, but Giuliana Rancic's dress looks like it's trying to choke her.

And I'm not saying this show is lacking in content, but some roving reporter just teased "I'll tell you which actress got her nails done THREE TIMES this week in preparation for tonight's show!" And George Kotsiopoulos is treating celebrity women like paper dolls by picking out designer dresses for them and Photoshopping them on them. Kelly Osbourne and Giuliana keep cooing "Good choice."

Friday, January 13, 2012

Live From My Couch

Check back here Sunday evening, I'll be live-blogging the Golden Globes. I'll cover everything from the Red Carpet, the reporting on the Red Carpet, Ricky Gervais, and all the speeches.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Things Overheard At The Nail Salon

"He has asthma, or something. It's like Autism."

This was from the woman who loosely described the plot of 5 independent films, 3 made-for-Lifetime movies, and 4 books to her poor, unsuspecting manicurist who may or may not speak English. Or who may have been pretending not to understand English so he wouldn't have to comment. She totally butchered the plot of The Hunger Games ("After the world ends, people all divide up into tribes and then the kids all meet once a year to fight"), and obviously has no clue about what constitutes asthma OR autism, so I'm guessing that most of the details she gave were incorrect/embellished/just plain wrong.

But she was entertaining. And she was something to listen to in an otherwise quiet salon. The owner argued with his client about the price of her manicure and pedicure off and on the whole time he was working on her, and the very nice woman who gave me a manicure spoke such poor English that I'm still not sure whether her husband was put away or whether he passed away and hope that I conveyed the correct amount of sympathy.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Lost Guitar Picks And Good Samaritans

My daughter has started a fundraising effort to raise money for her class trip to France AND recycle used gift cards and hotel keys. (You can read about it here, if you're interested) Aaron, who owns 2 Fat Guys & A Pipe in Allen Park, MI offered to sell some of her guitar picks in his store, so Alicia put five packages in an envelope and mailed them off.

Then Aaron let me know that the envelope, and Alicia's thank you note, arrived, but the envelope was open and the picks were missing. So I did what we all seem to do today; posted it on Facebook.
Totally let down by the U.S. Postal Service today. They lost the Picks by Guitarishy my daughter sent to a store.
Apparently I have a Facebook friend, "Dave," who works for the USPS. "Dave" asked for all the info and said he would do some checking. When he couldn't find them, he sent me the info on how to file a loss report.

We hear a lot about the "power" of social media. But all social media does is empower good people, like "Dave" and Aaron. Sure, without social media they never would have heard of my daughter and our situation. But they didn't have to step up.

I think the "power" of social media is that it gives people the opportunity to be heroes in a grander scale than they already are. I have no doubt that Aaron and "Dave" are helpful and heroic on a daily basis. And that no one ever hears about it. Given the opportunity to be bigger and better, they took it.

I must admit, I don't always take those opportunities. But I will now. I've been inspired by the generosity of two "friends" I don't really know, and I plan to be the same kind of hero for someone else that they've been for me. That is the real "power" of social media.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Going Green

An Open Letter To The Person At The Office Who Decided To Put Used Paper In The Copy Machine:

Since you did not know to put the printed side down I had to reprint 30 pages of prep material. And it wasted ink.



Monday, January 2, 2012


My son brought this home from art class. "It's what I'd look like if I was a pig."

The Bachelor Is Stealing My Ideas

Are you watching The Bachelor tonight?

I am. Because apparently they read my blog and have no qualms about stealing my ideas.

In June 2009 I wrote this post about my intention to attend a local Bachelor casting call as a sassy old lady and if you've seen any of the 40 million promos for tonight's show (including the one with the unfortunate proposal to the chick with the unfortunate bangs) you must have seen that one of the 25 bachelorettes showing up tonight is A SASSY OLD LADY!

Kudos on the addition of the crutches, ABC and Woman Who Stole My Idea. Well played.