10:55 pm - Best Picture Drama = The Descendants. Yay George again! Oh, and Alexander Payne.
10:48 pm - Yay George! Clooney wins Best Actor Motion Picture Drama.
10:41 pm - The Artist wins Best Picture Comedy or Musical and Penelope Ann Miller is welcomed into the Spray Tan Gang.
10:35 pm - Why does Meryl Streep always act so shocked? It's almost Taylor Swift-ish. And is she wearing a Country Western formal gown? I'm so confused.
10:19 pm - Great acceptance speech, Modern Family. Thank you for planning ahead.
10:16 pm - Why was Ricky Gervais bleeped?
10:14 pm - Martin Scorcese wins Best Director for Hugo. I love his eyebrows. They should have their own sitcom.
10:05 pm - Morgan Freeman interrupts his own speech to say "Hi Elton." I guess we all would.
9:54 pm - Ok, I love Reese Witherspoon, but A) her dress doesn't fit at the top, B) she can barely walk in it, and C) her hair looks like she just had sex backstage. WTH?
9:45 pm - Truly happy for Matt LeBlanc. Episodes is fabulous and he deserves to win.
9:43 pm - Tina Fey, that is not your dress.
9:42 pm - Bad hair, Emily Blunt. That's all I'm saying.
9:26 pm - What is Mary J Blige so pissed about? Is it because Tina Fey is wearing the same dress? She just looks sour every time the camera captures her.
9:23 pm - How friggin' cute are William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman?
9:22 pm - I can't decide if I love or hate Nicole Kidman's dress. Because it's one or the other.
9:15 pm - Is that Michelle Pfeiffer sitting with the Speilbergs?
And let's keep track of the tragic spray tans: So far I have Jessica Alba and Rob Lowe. Who am I missing?
9:10 pm - Why did Amanda Peet put her glasses on? It doesn't look right. I refuse to believe she can't see without them.
9:01 pm - Seth Rogen is so funny.
Michelle Williams wins Best Actress Motion Picture. I've heard she's fabulous as Marilyn Monroe. I really need to see more movies.
8:52 pm - WHO was the woman from Turkey with the Flock of Seagulls hairdo? Who? Why? We're so confused!
8:51 pm - Madonna wins best song and Elton John looks really sad. They're trying to play her off and she's ignoring the music. Awesome.
8:47 pm - Best Score, The Artist. Did he say "I'm sorry I'm French." or "I'm sorry, I'm French."? Big difference.
8:35 pm - Best Actor TV Series Drama - Kelsey Grammar. Nice short speech.
Best TV Series Drama - I don't watch any of these shows! But congratulations Homeland. I'm sure you are fabulous and I'm totally missing out.
8:25 pm - Kate Winslet wins Best Actress Mini-Series. I want to know who her date is. Is it that Branson nephew? And she gets played off! Hysterical!
8:13 pm - Ashton Kutcher has cleaned himself up. Yay, Tina Fey for getting in on Amy Poehler's camera shot.
Laura Dern wins Best Actress TV Series. I like her green dress. It reminds me of Christmas.
8:10 pm - Best Supporting Actor - Christopher Plummer for Beginners.
Long speech and he thanked someone for martinis. His wife looks great. Can't believe they waited instead of playing him off.
8:07 pm - Ricky Gervais was funny, but seemed a little restrained. Until he asked Johnny Depp if he's seen The Tourist yet. And Johnny Depp dyed his hair waaaaay too dark. And when did he get an accent? He sounds like Madonna.
8:00 pm - Time for the show! Yay!
7:53 pm - My friend Pam just pointed out that many of the dresses have an 80s feel to them. We're not fans.
7:40 pm - The girls from Glee need some help. Diana Agron's dress ("laser cut swans!") looks like it went through the shredder and Lea Michelle's dress looks more like body paint.
Madonna is wearing an odd dress and has Popeye forearms.
7:35 pm - David Duchovny and Jessica Chastain have the same hairstyle. That must be embarrassing for them.
7:33 pm - Why are Reese Witherspoon and Jimmy Fallon together?
7:31 pm - Heidi Klum is wearing big turquoise jewelry with a gown. It does not like right. Nicole Kidman is in a light purple pharoah's tomb/bondage dress.
7:28 pm - Sarah Hyland's dress is lovely. Mila Kunis looks a little off. She looks like she's wearing last night's makeup and her black dress is sheer in some weird places.
There is a lot of blush on the red carpet. What is that about? I like Kate Beckinsale's version. It's got some bling on it.
7:17 pm - Angelina Jolie's dress is very satiny and very fitted and looks like she stuck a red cocktail napking in the top of it. And her lipstick matches the cocktail napkin perfectly. She and Brad Pitt obviously have projects to promote because they stopped and talk to Ryan Seacrest. Remember just a few years ago when he chased them down the red carpet and they acted like they couldn't hear him? Bahahahahaha!
7:13 pm - Charlize Theron's pale pink low cut dress is pretty except for the oversized square bow on the waist. What the what? And speaking of what the what....what the what is Salma Hayek wearing? It looks 1980s. It also kind of looks like a building. Like her dress is a Transformer.
7:06 pm - I like Kristen Wiig's simple peachy low-cut gown but I wish it had a little more color. It would just be more striking. She looks great and I love it when comediennes glam it up.
7:00 pm - I like Zooey Deschanel's green into black sparkly dress except for the white mini-clown collar around the top. It kinda ruins it for me.
6:59 pm - I like Jane Lynch's black halter dress, but no matter what she wears her breasts always look too low.
6:57 pm - I'm usually not a fan of one-shoulder, but Viola Davis looks incredible in a dark rust-colored dress.
6:55 pm - I'm not sure about Jesse Tyler Ferguson's tux. He kinda looks like he's going to be playing the piano later. And I'm NOT loving Zachary Levi's beard. I don't care if Chuck is over. You still need to look like Chuck.
6:47 pm - Julie Bowen is dressed and styled like a Disney princess.
6:46 pm - What is on the back of Rooney Mara's dress? From what I can see it looks like someone attached a black tulle flower to it. I wonder if she knows.
6:43 pm - Sophia Vergara looks gorgeous, but I'm over those mermaid bottom dresses.
6:38 pm - Diane Lane is ridiculously impossibly gorgeous. Why doesn't she age?
6:36 pm - Sarah Michelle Geller let her two-year old pick out her dress. Obviously.
6:30 pm - What's with all the Dallas housewife hair? (Jessica Chastain). Though I kinda don't mind Nicole Richie's interpretation with a ponytail.
Oooh, just saw the back of Shailene Woodley's dress and wish I'd seen the front.
6:24 pm - I love Melissa McCarthy, but she looks like she's wearing her grandmother's dress and hairdo.
6:14 pm - Piper Perabo is wearing the HUGEST dress! It looks like one of those tents you get your kids to play in!
6:12 pm - Ryan Seacrest is talking to George Clooney and Stacy Keibler (or "the other Stacy" as I like to call her). A) Stacy is taller than George, B) George picked out her dress C) she looks pretty (grumble grumble).
6:04 pm - George Clooney just arrived. Don't the big stars usually show up at the last minute?
5:50 pm - 'Whose tat?' .... really?
5:40 pm - Giuliana just said "Who is going to win the Red Carpet?" There's a Red Carpet award now? Good grief.
5:05 pm - Watching Countdown To The Red Carpet on E!. I hate to speak ill of someone's who's BEEN ill, but Giuliana Rancic's dress looks like it's trying to choke her.
And I'm not saying this show is lacking in content, but some roving reporter just teased "I'll tell you which actress got her nails done THREE TIMES this week in preparation for tonight's show!" And George Kotsiopoulos is treating celebrity women like paper dolls by picking out designer dresses for them and Photoshopping them on them. Kelly Osbourne and Giuliana keep cooing "Good choice."
On open letter to the lady in my neighborhood:
18 hours ago