Tuesday, March 31, 2009

My car is drunk-dialing people

I've spent the last few weeks trying to catch up with the technology that I own. I can now Twitter and update my Facebook page from my cell phone. But I can't email pictures. I also spent most of Saturday morning using the second cord that I ordered to hook my cell phone up to my laptop. Then yesterday I used the half-hour of free time while Son was in his guitar lesson to hook my cell phone up to Sync in my car.

Before I continue, a little background: Last year a friend and I co-wrote a play and I finally connected with a woman (I'll call her Patty) who produces shows like the one we wrote and we are going to meet for coffee. We were going to meet today but she called my cell yesterday afternoon because she had a meeting come up so we rescheduled for Friday. We were trying to figure out where to meet and I said "Um, I'm kind of craving blueberry pancakes from the Original Pancake House. Maybe we could meet there!"

So, a few hours later while I'm hooking up my phone I somehow end up hitting "Yes" to "Redial Last Call Received" and next thing I know, my car is calling Patty! I don't want to just hang up, I'm sure my number will show up on her Caller ID, so I sit there helplessly while her phone rings. I get her voicemail and say,

"Hi, Patty. It's Stacey. And I know we just talked a little while ago and I demanded pancakes and I'm not really calling to change anything but I'm hooking up my phone to my car and, well, my car called you. I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry."

I will totally not be surprised if she A) cancels or B) just doesn't show on Friday.

Friday, March 27, 2009

The trouble with toffee

I made toffee a little bit ago. I know, right?! I got a craving yesterday - my sister makes this fabulous toffee but she doesn't live close enough for me to just demand she make it for me so I can run over and get it. And, she's kinda busy. So I search my house for her recipe but I don't have it and she's at work and doesn't have it there, so the toffee didn't happen yesterday.

It almost didn't happen today either. I have been negligent in my grocery shopping responsibilities and my cupboards and fridge are pretty low and I used the last of the butter making waffles this morning. But the lure of the toffee was SO STRONG (ok, and we have nothing for dinner tonight) that I made a grocery run and came home and made toffee.

It is now sitting on the sun porch cooling.

And there's the problem.

Toffee is not one of those things that you can look forward to for days, make, and then eat right away. Even though it technically is "done" I still can't eat it. You kinda have to predict that you are going to crave toffee and then make it so you have a few hours to let it cool completely and you're not wandering out to the sun porch every 5 minutes to see if the chocolate looks a little less glisteny.

Or you have to have it on hand at all times. Which may be my new plan.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Turning into my mother

Came upstairs and realized I left my glasses downstairs.

Got downstairs, forgot why I was there, started emptying the dishwasher but a whisk had fallen vertically through the top shelf and kept the sprayer from turning so the glasses all felt kind of unfinished. Set the dishwasher on rinse and...

Came upstairs and realized I left my glasses downstairs.

Got downstairs just as son announced that he hadn't eaten lunch even though it was time to head out to the movie. Made him pita with Nutella in the toaster oven. Grabbed the Cub Scout vest I had put new patches on and...

Came upstairs and realized I left my glasses downstairs.

Got downstairs, forgot why I was there, ate some m&m's while discussing Escape to Witch Mountain and Spaceballs with my son.

Came upstairs and realized I left my glasses downstairs.

As my daughter points out, at least I haven't reached the point where I'm wandering around the house asking everyone if they've seen my glasses while they're on my head. (This is what my mother does.)

Thursday, March 19, 2009

You know you're not ready to get married when....

You throw a cat at your fiancé.

Full-of-herself, Tim Gunn-dissing, annoyingly-voice Kenley Collins of last year’s Project Runway season was arrested this week for throwing a number of things at the guy she was breaking up with including A) apples, B) her laptop (which may or not have been a Mac), C) water, and D) her cat.

She was charged with two counts of assault and criminal possession of a weapon. Since when is it criminal to own a cat? Or a laptop? Does it become illegal to own something the minute you throw it? What if you just drop it? Accidentally? On someone who is sleeping?

The now-ex fiancĂ© was apparently sleeping when she attacked him with the “weapons” and she then allegedly told him, “You’re lucky. It could have been worse.”

It could have been MUCH worse. She could have dressed him up in that hip-hop outfit she made for Leanne.

I’d much rather wake up to a cat flying at me than wearing this.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Birthday Day

And here's what really happened....

Eat cake for breakfast (it's a tradition) √
Read the paper and find that I've won the Mega Millions Lottery ($12 Million!!) - I did match the powerball and win $2!
Go to the gym (so I can eat more cake) √
Try and get dressed only to discover that I've lost weight and my clothes are waaaay too big - Hmmm, afraid not
Got to Target and Costco (this Target WILL have Berry Berry Kix dammit!) √
Eat Berry Berry Kix for lunch - Could have, but found frozen Crab Rangoons and had those instead, yummy!
Eat more cake √
Get a manicure - No time
Take a nap (without smudging fresh nails) √
Preside over harmonious and peaceful and loving after school/homework session - not quite
Get a call from agent - publisher wants my book! - no calls
Get call from agency - movie role audition that I am perfect for! - still no calls
Get some checks in the mail (to tide me over until I collect my lotto winnings) √
Take my family to dinner - Husband took me to dinner
Eat more cake - Couldn't eat any more cake, sad I know
Read on my new Kindle while drinking champagne - And now I'm here

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Birthday plans

This is how I plan to celebrate my birthday.

Eat cake for breakfast (it's a tradition)
Read the paper and find that I've won the Mega Millions Lottery ($12 Million!!)
Go to the gym (so I can eat more cake)
Try and get dressed only to discover that I've lost weight and my clothes are waaaay too big
Got to Target and Costco (this Target WILL have Berry Berry Kix dammit!)
Eat Berry Berry Kix for lunch
Eat more cake
Get a manicure
Take a nap (without smudging fresh nails)
Preside over harmonious and peaceful and loving after school/homework session
Get a call from agent - publisher wants my book!
Get call from agency - movie role audition that I am perfect for!
Get some checks in the mail (to tide me over until I collect my lotto winnings)
Take my family to dinner
Eat more cake
Read on my new Kindle while drinking champagne

Check back tomorrow to see how the day really went down.

A Conversation At The Grocery Store

Bag Boy: Is plastic OK?

Me: Can I have paper, please?

BB: You want paper?

Me: Yes.

Blank look from bag boy.

Me: Please.

Another blank look from bag boy.

Me: Thank you.

BB: Thank you?!?!

Surprised look from me.

Bag boy disappears, comes bag with a paper bag and holds it out in front of me.

BB: This OK?

Me: Yes.


OK, If I really don't have the choice between paper and plastic then DON'T ASK ME!!!!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

House for sale

My husband and I watched Milk last night (thought the movie was very good but LOVED how Josh Brolin had me believing he was insane from the moment he came onscreen) and then Husband fell asleep so I went down to the couch because, really, how am I supposed to hear Saturday Night Live over that snoring? As I lay on the couch TWO ROOMS AWAY from the door to the basement I swore I could hear a noise down there so, keeping the remote in my hand in case something came rushing up the stairs that could be dispatched with a weak red laser beam, I stood at the top of the basement steps and listened while someone tried to FORCE OPEN ONE OF MY BASEMENT WINDOWS!

My husband does not wake up well so I actually stood there for a minute, listening, and wondering who I would rather deal with: my cranky why-the-hell-did-you-wake-me-up-when-I-just-fell-asleep husband or someone who is strong enough to force open my tiny basement window yet still skinny enough to slide through it. Finally I could take the noise no longer and I went upstairs (with the remote still in my hand because you never know when that mute button is going to start working like in that Adam Sandler movie Click).

As expected, husband was not happy and bitched and moaned about my overactive imagination all the way down the steps. We paused in the basement doorway and I made him listen and there was a THUMP and he went downstairs without a weapon to check it out.

Now, two weeks ago I was again treated to the sound of scurrying feet above the ceiling tiles in my basement which means only one thing; we have once again been invaded by a chipmunk. Husband pulled the trap out of the garage, made a teeny tiny peanut butter sandwich and slid the trap above the ceiling tiles in the basement. The next day I emailed him and said I did not hear they chirping and/or scurrying anymore and he wrote back that I should check the trap and I wrote back "That is SO not going to happen."

I had forgotten that the trap was still there.

Until last night when my husband yelled up the basement steps "We caught one!"

Being incredibly phobic I threw open the front door and yelled "Take it out the front! Do NOT come near me!" then ran and hid under a blanket in the family room. I heard him go outside then come in just moments later.

"You set it free, didn't you?" I said.

"Of course!"

Excellent.

Either this chipmunk has been living above the basement ceiling tiles for the last two weeks (shudder) or he has been coming and going at his leisure (shudder even more!) and now he is outside, running around free, telling his buddies all about his adventures inside my house AND how they can get inside to check it out for themselves!

I am home alone right now; Husband took the kids to the Pistons game for Cub Scout day and there is a new sound coming from the basement. About every 30-45 seconds I hear a noise like someone is briefly running an electric screwdriver. I'm pretty sure those damn chipmunks have learned how to use power tools and have waited until I'm alone and when my family returns they will find my lifeless, acorn-covered body in the kitchen.

I will not go down without a fight.

Update: Crazy whirring sound stopped. At dinner we were discussing the chipmunk and how I thought someone was breaking into the basement, with my husband insisting that the chipmunk was "cute."

"No, dad," says Son. "Friend and I saw a chipmunk in the cage and he was so strong that he was banging against the cage and moving it!"

Husband and I look at each other.

"When did Friend come over?" he says. "Saturday morning?"

I can barely swallow my pizza. I turn to Son.

"You saw the chipmunk in the cage above the ceiling tiles in the basement when Friend was here on Saturday morning?"

"Yeah!" says Son.

There is a now a firm See-Chipmunk-Tell policy in effect in our house.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

callferret.com

I got a call on my cell phone this morning from a number I didn't recognize and did a google search of the area code. The call came from somewhere in Tennessee, and one of the sites that google pulled up was for callferret.com where you can report numbers and leave comments about the call you received.

I presumed that people would leave comments like "Tried to sell me something," "Tried to get a credit card number," etc. but the first one I clicked on simply said...

"Caller is an arrogant ass."

Ha!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

People who can't tell their own stories

I’ve been accused of being an overenthusiastic storyteller (mostly by my husband) but I saw my alter ego today and, frankly, I’d rather hear a story from me. There was a woman in the locker room at the gym telling a pretty compelling story to another woman but she was SO unenthused about it. It was a pretty good story too, but she totally spoke in a monotone voice, even when talking about scary or dangerous things. “First. The. Car. Broke. Down. That. Was. An. Adventure. Then. Hal. Got. A. Ticket. That. Was. An. Adventure. Then. The. Cabin. Caught. Fire. That. Was. An. Adventure.” Everything was an adventure, but nothing sounded very adventurous. It sounded like she was talking about doing last night’s dinner dishes. Or doing the laundry. “Then. I. Separated. The. Whites.”

I just don’t get it. I spend 90% of my day trying to make the mundane sound interesting and to sit and watch someone waste a perfectly good story (and it was a really good story) by making it sound more boring than it really was….it kills me. I wanted to follow her home and jump out from behind some bushes to see how she would react. “That. Was. Really. Frightening. I. Can’t. Wait. To. Tell. Gladys. At. The. Gym. Tomorrow.”