Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Swine flu

The WHOLE WORLD is distracted by the swine flu right now and I realize how serious it is but I did hear a report on the radio today that we're not supposed to call it the swine flu because it's not nice to the pigs.

That's silly.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Little dog found

As predicted, I could not stop thinking about Tinker Bell, the 5-lb chihuahua that was blown away in a windstorm on Sunday, all day yesterday. I even discussed the story with several friends, mostly because - my apologies, Free Press - I thought the story was badly written and woefully short on details.

But I did not predict, nor do I think I could have predicted, that Tinker Bell would be found (tired, hungry, and muddy) because of a PET PSYCHIC!!!

Here's the story.

In case anyone was doubting that Michigan is capable of becoming the Hollywood of the Midwest it is now apparent that we have the talent, we're building the studios, and we even have made-for-TV stories!!

As for casting: I'm pretty sure all those dogs from Beverly Hills Chihuahua are still getting unemployment checks.

(My psychic prediction: Tinker Bell, her owner, and the pet psychic will end up on Oprah within a month.)

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Wizard of Oz

That is what immediately came to mind after reading this story in this morning's paper. Of course I feel horrible for Mrs. Utley, and Tinker Bell, but now I can't stop wondering if some Rochester Hills girl happened to be looking out her window during the storm just in time to see a little dog go flying by.

And then a bike.

And was the woman holding the dog when the wind whisked it away? Did she have to watch as her little dog went flying through the air? Or was Tinker Bell sitting at home, watching out the window for her owner to return and bring her treats from the Flea Market?

Did they ever find Tinker Bell? Did she land somewhere soft and survive?

I must face the fact: I am going to be obsessed with Tinker Bell all day.

Thursday, April 23, 2009


The name Julie is written on today's date on my calendar and I have no idea why.

Am I supposed to have lunch with her? And which Julie is it? I know a lot of Julie's. Is Julie sitting and waiting for me somewhere right now? What if it was coffee. Am I meeting Julie for coffee? Is it her birthday? Do I owe her money?

Julie - whoever and wherever you are, I'm sorry I'm so forgetful. Have a great day. And when you repeat this story please change my name.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Not silly

But still a distraction.

Friday, April 17, 2009

A note to those of you calling me with a computerized message

I firmly believe, as strongly as I believe that the earth is round and that red wine is good for you and that I do NOT want that group of boys playing across the street to end up in my driveway because they always ring my doorbell and run as if I don't know who they are and that they live right across the street, that if your message was REALLY important you would have a real live person call me and not a computerized message.

Therefore, I'm hanging up.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Trader Beau

"Mom, did you get those crackers at Trader Joe's?"

"Yes, I did."

"Is Trader Joe's a place where you can go trade stuff?"

"Yes, you trade money for groceries."

"I mean can you trade a shirt for a ham?"

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Heaven in a Tube

I have been in a funk today. I could still be going through cheese-withdrawal or it could be the fact that I’m signed with every agency in town and have applied or expressed interest in about a billion jobs and yet my phone is not ringing! It also could be that I’m trying to write a difficult section of my book and find a way to write about certain people without sounding judgmental and snobby (2 things I hate about myself).

So you see; funk.

And I’ve tried everything to get out of it. I tried reading Jen Lancaster and the Fug Girls, two things which usually cheer me right up. I tried watching a DVR’d episode of 30 Rock that I missed a few weeks ago (only to find that it wasn’t still on there because God Forbid we run out of room on the DVR for The Suite Life of Zach and Cody!). Nothing worked.


At first I didn't get too excited because it could be a package for someone else in the house. I didn't even run to meet him at the door like usual. But my nonchalance was completely unwarranted because....

It's for me!

And I don't even care that my Product Junkie secret is out! Want one of your own? Go here.

(I'm also a little happier/feeling stupid because I just realized while writing this that I can watch full episodes of 30 Rock online.)

Friday, April 10, 2009

Post-partum crap

I just read this essay about male post-partum depression and I'm still trying to figure out if I think this guy is just selfish, or if he's a little too in touch with his feminine side, or if I'm just a bitch.

It reminds me of years ago, when I was working in radio, and one of my male co-hosts brings up the topic of male menopause. So I let him go on and on for a while about how hard it is and how the men need this and that and should be treated gently and get time off of work and then I finally say what I'm pretty sure 90% of our audience is thinking (and our audience was like 90% women) "Tell you what; when you carry the kids around then you can HAVE menopause. And though I haven't experienced it myself, from what I understand it's not all that fun and not something you guys should be trying to take over."

OK, maybe I am a bitch.

(When we got off the air this guy LOST IT and yelled at me "I just wanted to have a f**king conversation about menopause WITHOUT bringing up women!" Yeah, I know.)

Aren't things like post-partum depression and menopause controlled by hormones? It's been a while since I had a science class and I get that girls aren't 100% estrogen and boys aren't 100% testosterone and there's a lot of gray area but, in this guys' case at least, why not just call it what it really is: mourning for the loss of his former life.

You know why? THAT sounds too selfish.

And I think that some guys (not necessarily this guy, I never said that!) think women use post-partum depression and various other medically-named things to get out of stuff. They think we feel a little sad and slap a medical-sounding name on it so we can get away with more. Or less. Like lying in bed after you've had a baby and the laundry is piling up and the dirt is piling up and people keep showing up and you just can't face them is a FANTASTIC way to spend the day.

And maybe this guy really did have post-partum depression. Female hormones are strong enough to make an entire sorority house menstruate at the same time; pulling one unsuspecting guy into post-partum depression was probably a piece of cake.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Message or coincidence?

This morning I finally got around to moving my snowman collection from the fireplace mantel back into storage and while I was carrying a few of them downstairs I thought 'I should make paper mache snowmen.'

I think the last time I made paper mache anything was in elementary school so I have no idea why this thought popped into my head. I immediately had visions of my snowmen being kitschy and the next hot thing on the craft fair circuit. Again, I have no idea where this is coming from; I have no artistic talent and rarely visit craft fairs.

A few hours later I am reading my book club book (An American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld, which I am really enjoying btw) and (I'm not giving away anything here) the main character, Alice, is making paper mache characters from children's books for her school library.


Then I went to a movie business event in Pontiac and some guy starts talking to me and he is a writer and when he finds out I have a children's book out he shows me the illustrations for his book that he is working on and

it is about snowmen!

Double huh.

Am I supposed to be paying attention here? And, if so, to what? Paper mache? Snowmen? This guy? Is all this some sort of freaky coincidence or do paper mache snowmen some important meaning?

I really need a Guidebook to Messages From the Universe: Which Ones to Pay Attention to and Which Ones it's Safe to ignore.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

What's so great about clean arteries anyway?

I had my yearly physical last week and my LDL level is still hovering in the Just Above Acceptable range so I am going completely vegan for a month (which makes me feel like I'm saying I'm going nudist for a month, I don't know why) to see if it will go down.

I'm a little nervous, the last time I actually did something about my cholesterol was when I was 30 and my doctor said that birth control could be a contributing factor so I quit taking the pill and dieted for a month. 30 days later my cholesterol was normal and I was pregnant. Surprise.

I started Vegan Quest 2009 on Monday and lasted until dinner, when I had a ham and cheese Olga's. (Have you ever had Olga's? To. Die. For.) I might have had a french fries too. I can't really remember; I was a little delirious from no meat or cheese for the entire day.

So now, it's Thursday. Right? It's Thursday? I've managed to hang in there, but not without a struggle. After lunch today I an apple with Nutella and almond slivers and was feeling pretty darn good about myself until a friend on Facebook (who I am seriously considering unfriending right now) told me that Nutella has dairy in it.

Who put f**king milk in Nutella?

For dinner I made baked potato skins. They are somewhat a specialty of mine (i.e. one of the three things I make that everyone in the family will eat) but instead of awesomely gooey melted cheese mine were topped with sauteed spinach and grilled onions.

There is a small part of me that hopes that when this 30-day hellperiment is over my LDL has not budged because then I can just go out and buy an extra-large bottle of Crestor and a bacon-blue cheese burger.

Mmmmmmmmmm, bacon.