Monday, January 26, 2009

I am totally addicted to the Fug Girls, authors of When they blogged live for the Golden Globes red carpet I was totally online and watching the show and they were RIGHT ON.

Anyway, I thought today's post was funny - as usual - and incredibly unique - which just makes me wonder what they eat all day...I'm imagining a combination of Cheetos, Tab, and Twizzlers with a few Godiva chocolates thrown in because they got them free in some swag... - and then they posted the old Mickey Rourke photo.

I didn't even know that I loved Mickey Rourke. But apparently I did because the minute I saw his photo I was like "Oh! Old Boyfriend! I can't remember why we broke up and I seriously regret it now. Please forgive me!"

These women/girls/chicks/trannies are hysterical.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The viral hat

I now want Photoshop more than ever, simply so I can participate in this Aretha's Hat Is Everywhere [PIC].
(Thank you to my sister, Amy, for supplying the photo) and here's some more hat fun
And the info keeps on coming:

Designed by Detroit's own Luke Song's Millenery...
Another Detroit based secret!

Showroom: 6513 woodward ave. detroit, michigan 48202


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The grocery store again, old people again

So, I’m in the bread aisle trying to find the loaf of bread that matches the picture on my coupon (yes, I shop with coupons, it’s kind of a challenge, like locating said loaf of bread) and about 8 feet away stands an older woman checking out bread sans coupon when suddenly she lets out the loudest, longest, frat-boy fart I have heard since college.

The fart was so long that I actually had to time to A) stop looking at bread, B) locate the farter, then C) think “Oh my God, is that woman farting right here in the bread aisle? She is! She is standing here farting in the bread aisle!”

Then she calmly walked away, leaving behind an odor so bad that I quickly grabbed ANY loaf of bread and ran because the plastic was starting to melt off of the loaves.

And I didn’t want any bread-aisle newcomers to think it was me.

What is going on here? What is with all the public display of disgustingness in the grocery store? I know that farting is a natural thing, but how about an “Excuse me?” Not only did this woman ruin my shopping, she also made me write about farts! Not my usual topic of choice.

Am I alone in this? Is anyone else being accosted by old people grossness? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Monday, January 19, 2009

The switch from analog to digital

At this point, wouldn’t it be cheaper to stop making and running Public Service Announcements and just hire staff to handle the three people that will get up on the morning of February 17th, turn on their TV for the first time in over a year, find that it’s not working and call one of the TV stations to complain?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Your call is VERY important to us

Twice in the last month I have called 911 from the freeway to report an accident that happened right in front of me. Both times I was put on hold. ON HOLD!

How do they know I'm not being chased by an axe-wielding-mask-wearing stranger and don't have time to be put on hold?

About the accidents: The first was in December on I-75. I was on a school bus coming back from the Science Center with 55 second graders, 3 worn-out parent chaperones, and 3 teachers who looked like they were smart enough to pack Valium in their lunch. We saw a multi-vehicle crash happen right in front of us. Our fabulous driver slowed and swerved, and I immediately whipped out my phone and dialed 911 and when the operator came on 3 minutes later I gave her the exact location of the problem (you can take the girl out of the traffic reporter job.....). The operator said "Yes, we've already gotten calls on that accident." and I wanted to say "Perhaps that's because I've been ON HOLD!" The second was tonight on the way home from skating. I had to avoid 275 and 696 because of multi-vehicle-lane-closing crashes and was driving up Telegraph. Some guy swerved like he was trying to make it into one of those turnarounds and ended up knocking over the sign, bouncing back into the road, then ended up halfway up an embankment. I wished I'd had a video camera running; that would have been an easy $10,000.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Treadmill etiquette

At my gym there are two longs lines of treadmills which were relatively open this morning. Odd, considering it’s only January 12 – don’t those gym resolutions usually start to peter out in February?

So, I’m walking and walking, with not a lot of company (not that I want any – I wear the mp3 player for a reason and will even leave it on when the battery dies, bobbing my head like I’m enjoying some tunes, to avoid conversation), when this guy gets on the treadmill right next to me! The whole rest of the row in that direction was empty – about 8 machines - and yet he chose to do his treadmilling about 14 inches away. Isn’t there an unwritten rule about applying movie theater seating to gym equipment? You know, if the theater isn’t crowded (and, actually, this rule is employed in theaters until it is just too crowded to use anymore) you leave the buffer seat between you and the person you sit next to. I, personally, believe all movie theater seats should be spaced about 4” apart because I’m tired of fighting cranky dads who are being forced to see Desperaux for the arm rest.

I’m just sayin’.

Friday, January 9, 2009

What I saw at the grocery store

If, for some reason, you happen to think I’m a nice person and don’t want that opinion shattered you might want to stop reading. Because what I am about to say does not sound very nice but I cannot Stop. Thinking. About. It. and have to share with the class.

You know how sometimes older people develop the habit of constantly sticking their tongues out of their mouths? Maybe I’m the only one who’s noticed this. The first time I saw it was on a college Professor and he liked to read to us in class and I had to make a pact with a friend and we would each go to class every other day and share our notes so we both wouldn’t have to be grossed out by his constantly darting tongue.

So I guess it bothers at least one other person.

Anyway, I was at the grocery store today and in line next to me was an older man who kept sticking his tongue out of this mouth and his tongue was HUGE! HUGE! It didn’t look discolored or anything, just like an abnormally large tongue. And I’m not talking double the size of a normal tongue, it was about 8 times the size of a normal tongue and my first thought was ‘Well, no wonder he’s sticking it out. How could you keep something that big IN your mouth?” And I really really really tried not to stare at him but I finally had to get out of line and go wander through the aisles again because that huge tongue going in and out and in and out of his mouth was totally grossing me out.

It was about the size of a Subway sandwich. In case you’re wondering.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Who knew the Senate could be so much fun?

I hope Roland Burris of Illinois is allowed to join the Senate today because he’s bound to cause more problems down the road and watching MSNBC – or any other news channel – is pretty cheap entertainment.

It’s not even that he is insisting that he is already a United States Senator even though he hasn’t taken the oath of office yet, it’s that he said….

"We are hoping and praying that they will not be able to deny what the Lord has ordained.”

Seriously, how much fun is this guy going to be? Wasn’t that Kwame Kilpatrick’s stand for a couple of months over the summer? God had decided that Kwame should be Mayor of Detroit and who are we to let a few felonies get in the way of what the Lord has ordained!

I hope Al Franken gets in too. Mostly because I think the Republicans aren’t trying to keep him out because he’s super liberal, but because they’re afraid that he’s going to make fun of them and they WON’T GET IT!


Thursday, January 1, 2009

Celebrity hair cuts

The other day I had about 8 inches of hair chopped off. I've been toying with the idea of cutting it for a while now; and when I looked at the pictures from our vacation and realized that my hair was either in a ponytail or up in a barrette the entire time I figured it was time. I'd been lusting after the cut that Lisa Rinna sports but due to the power outage (3 frickin' days) I couldn't print out a picture like I'd planned. I went through a few books at the salon and chose a few that were close and ended up with a cut that is OK, but I'm just not loving it.

I'm sure part of the problem is that there is probably NEVER a picture of Lisa Rinna that I could find where her hair is not done. For all I know she has someone living at her house whose sole responsibility is creating the Rinna 'do each and every morning and I may never know what it looks like on an "off" day - but I still like it. And mine doesn't really look like it. I don't know if that is contributing to my dissatisfaction; but I suspect it is.

So, what now? Do I get even more layers put in and risk looking like a man? Do I leave it and just deal? Do I start growing it out again (which I'm pretty sure is what will eventually happen)?

I need a stylist.