Tuesday, March 30, 2010

A run-on sentence about a walk

I'm a little more tired than usual lately, (here's a hint as to why); which would explain the napping, the whining, and what happened while on a walk today.

I discovered, right before heading out, that my iPod (which had PLENTY of battery power that last time I used it which may or may not have been the last time I exercised which may or may not have been Saturday....oops) had no charge so I headed out to walk with no entertainment. I was going to call my friend Camille but I was already wheezing like crazy and I was worried she might think she was getting a dirty prank call so I just walked and I kept hearing this tinging/clanging-like sound and it kinda sounded like a dog tag clanging against a dog collar and it was totally keeping pace with me and I didn't want to turn around (although I don't know why not because I'm not afraid of dogs and it most likely would have just been one of my neighbors) so I started walking a little faster and the tinging/clanging got faster too and then I was practically in a full on run, like a being-chased-by-ghosts-or-bad-guys run, and the tinging/clanging is still keeping pace with me and I'm thinking WTH???? and then I realize that the tinging/clanging sound is the sound of my zipper pull hitting the zipper on my cheap hoodie.

Perhaps I need another nap.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Someone needs to talk to my 9-year old son about sex and stuff

A conversation from this morning (during which I happened to be getting dressed but had to act like I wasn't).

Son: You won't believe the nightmare I had last night. I better not tell you.

Me: Why don't you.....

Son: Ok, I'll tell you. I dreamt that I saw a girl's laryngitis and it looked just like a boy's wiener. It was gross.

Me: Wait, what?

Son: I dreamt I saw a girl's laryngitis.

Me: You can't really SEE laryngitis....

Son: Well, you know. I can't exactly think of the word.

Me: Her uvula?

Son: No. I just can't think of the word....

Me: Are you trying to say vagina?

Son: Yeah! I dreamt I saw a girl's vagina and it looked just like....

Me: Yeah, yeah. I get it. You know, you are going to have see a drawing or a picture of a vagina in health class.

Son: I know.

Me: Do you want to see a picture right now?

Son: NO!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

What are you looking at?

I have spent the last few months secretly believing that my new moisturizer is kick ass and that 45 is the new 35 on me because everywhere I go guys are looking at me. I know it sounds vain and at first I thought I was imagining it, but then it kept happening and for a while I got really paranoid and then I went through a Do-I-Have-Something-On-My-Face-Or-What? phase before I decided I was just working it but then, waiting in line at airport security on Tuesday morning, I finally added 1 + 1 + 1 and got 3.

1. I am the host/interviewer in the Belle Tire commercials on TV.

2. Belle Tire advertises pretty much constantly during sporting events on TV.

3. Men watch sporting events on TV.

Yes, it finally dawned on me that these guys weren't checking me out or thinking I'm hot... they're just wondering why the hell I look so familiar.

Yes. I do feel foolish. Thanks for asking.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

The coupons are messing with me

I am addicted to Campbell's V8 Butternut Squash soup (really, try it with sunflower seeds, delish!). I am also a coupon shopper. I just LOVE that moment when I get the new total after the coupons have been deducted and yes, I realize that they are probably over-pricing things just so they can get me to buy them by "discounting" them with coupons but I don't care because I just love seeing a $101 grocery bill end up at $84.21. LOVE it!

I found a "Save $1.00 when you buy two" coupon for the squash soup so I bought two and they disappeared pretty quickly but, luckily, when I bought those two cartons of soup I was also handed a freshly-printed coupon with my bill that said "Save $1.50 when you buy three."

Yesterday I went to Kroger and bought those three cartons of soup (yes, I do go through it quickly, thank you for noticing) and a new coupon printed out for me that said "Save $2.00 when you buy four" and now I'm pretty sure that Campbell's and/or Kroger is just messing with me and trying to see how many cartons of squash soup they can get me to buy at once and Campbell's and/or Kroger I accept your challenge. At least until summer, when "soup season" is over.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I saw you playing without me, where's my lawyer!

While I was dealing with yet another computer virus - this one in the computer I keep all my "work" in, therefore also dealing with the fact that I am behind in my "work" since yesterday afternoon when I sat down at the computer and it started spewing virusized gibberish - all fricking day today (because nothing EVER gets fixed right the first time even though I do LOVE Michael from Ronin Tech. with all my heart and have already recommended him to several friends dealing with the same virus AND continuously fed his adorable daughter Oreos while he was working on my computer), I couldn't help but keep checking back on my true Distraction and Obsession of the day: The Geoffrey Fieger Hurt Locker Lawsuit.*

I was really bummed this morning when the stories were all short and vague and "Geoffrey Fieger is going to file later today" without any details because I am all about the details and I finally got my computer fixed and got the details this evening and they are just as disappointing as I feared.

These are the details: Some Dude feels left out and wants money now that the movie has been nominated for some Academy Awards.

And I GET it, really, I do. This guy, Master Sgt. Jeffrey Sarver, hung out with the reporter who wrote the story that appeared in Playboy and eventually wrote the screenplay for the movie. This writer, who did nothing but listen and take notes, could win a frickin Academy Award and Sarver served our country doing really dangerous work and is getting nothing but a "Hey, thanks!"

But, really.....Sarver admits "I'm feeling just a little bit hurt, a little bit left out." And he probably was. They probably should have called him up and asked him to participate in the movie. But they didn't have to. And you don't deserve millions of dollars because someone doesn't ask you to do something. Where does this lead? "Debbie really should have been asked to pledge Kappa Alpha Theta. She went to all the Rush dinners." "Joey really should have been asked to play Red Rover Red Rover,*** he was ON the playground." Are we really going to start suing someone every time we feel left out? Because I haven't been able to make my last few Book Club meetings and they went on and met without me.....

*I intended to ™ the phrase "Geoffrey Fieger Hurt Locker Lawsuit" because that is how it appears in my mind and because that is how it should be said but then realized that Geoffrey Fieger is a lawyer and doesn't know me and therefore doesn't know how VERY much I respect him and think he is a great guy and admire a lot of work that he's done and I really don't need to be getting a knock on the door only to hear "Stacey DuFord? You've been served!"**

**Though, really, if Geoffrey Fieger noticed my blog that would kinda be like hitting the big time, doncha think?

***I realize kids probably don't play Red Rover Red Rover anymore but I like the alliteration.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The V-Chip I really need

Our TVs may or may not have V Chips. My preferred way of monitoring what my kids watch on TV is to make sure they're watching Nickelodeon (I'm trusting you, Nickelodeon! Don't let me down!) and reminding my son not to repeat the inappropriate words he hears on Family Guy.

I will admit to watching some pretty bad television myself: if I come across an America's Next Top Model marathon I can't seem to turn it off and I've lately gotten a wee bit addicted to The Millionaire Matchmaker so I get that TV watching is subjective, but at the risk of sounding judgemental....Jon and Kate? Really? Never got that. The Kardashians? Um, no.

So, this morning, when checking out one of my favorite parts of The Detroit Free Press, the Names & Faces column, I felt a little ill when I read these three headlines:

Kate Gosselin will be a contestant on the 10th season of “Dancing With the Stars”

E! has or­dered up a second season of “Kourtney and Khloe Take Mi­ami.”

Supermodel Kathy Ireland , People maga­zine editor-at-large Jess Cagle and “The View” cohost Sherri Shepherd will stalk the stars Sunday beginning at 5 p.m. for ABC’s “Oscars Red Carpet … 2010,” the preshow for the Academy Awards.

and I thought "Wouldn't it be great if I could program the V Chip to automatically get rid of shows featuring people I don't like?" but then I thought "Hey, I'm on TV and what if someone programmed their V Chip to turn off the TV every time I came on?!!!"

I clearly have no idea how the V Chip really works. And I'm sure some of you are thinking that I clearly have no idea how to parent, either, and that a woman who gets addicted to Millionaire Matchmaker and lets a 9-year old boy watch Family Guy shouldn't be reproducing AT ALL. Fine. But I still don't want to see Kathy Ireland try and talk.