Yesterday morning someone in Hazel Park called the police to report a cup of mercury in a business parking lot. First, I had no idea it was illegal to park in a cup in Hazel Park. I feel like I've dodged a bullet. Second, Ok, exactly how did that conversation go?
911: Emergency, how may I help you?
Caller: Um, I'm in a parking lot in Hazel Park and I'm pretty sure there's a cup of mercury parked right next to me.
911: Is the mercury armed?
Caller: I don't know! Wait! It's moving!
911: Someone is on the way. I'm going to stay on the line with you....
Caller: Thank you. OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod.
911: Do you see the the officers yet?
Caller: Noooooooo! Hurry, please. Please!
Where do you get a CUP of mercury? I remember in science class when the teacher showed us this "scary new life-form" on the overhead projector that seemed to float and eat other life-forms and then it turned out to be mercury. I still don't understand why he showed us that, unless he had some unfulfilled desire to be a magician and this was his one opportunity. Now that I think about it, he WAS wearing a top hat. But he had only the smallest amount of mercury and he kept it under lock and key and I don't think we even knew then how very scary mercury is. So how does someone get a whole cup of it? If you're working at a hardware store and someone buys 400 thermometers wouldn't you file that under suspicious? Wouldn't that be the point where police would be contacted? And why keep it in a cup? It seems like it would be more fun in a Ziploc bag.
And if you've illegally obtained a cup of mercury, how do you accidentally leave it in a parking lot?
It’s us, but in dead animal form. But not really dead because they weren’t ever alive. Undead? No. That makes them sound like vampires. So not that. Fuck. I don’t know the word. Hey, how long can a title be? Because this seems excessive. Someone should stop me. Jesus. This is as bad as 280-character twitter.
1 day ago