Work

Yes, boys and girls, Today's Distraction is an old-fashioned, punch-in-at-4 a.m.-punch-out-at-noon job. Which I am very grateful for. I'm filling in this week on the Bobby Mitchell Show with Chuck Gaidica on 104.3 WOMC (and thank God they don't make me say that whole title every time I do a traffic report) and I'm working with some lovely gentlemen and get to see some old friends and coworkers again so it's alllllllllll good.

I was going to say "however" but there really is no "however." Sure, my marathon training and my reality TV watching time have suffered, but so what? I'll find a way to work them back in. Other people do it, right? Maybe not at the same time. Maybe you CAN'T Keep Up With The Kardashians (I really only wrote that because of the alliteration, I would NEVER watch that show) and attempt to train for a marathon at the same time. Especially when you're (ahem) over 40. Maybe I won't be able to keep up my amazing ability to make dinner AND the next day's lunches AT THE SAME TIME. Maybe this job won't last longer than this week. Whatever happens, I'm good. Sure, I may be a little more sleepy and a little more flabby and not up to speed on which Housewife isn't speaking to the other Housewives but I'll bounce back. I'm still (ahem) young.

Though if you really want me to remember something make sure I write it down. Otherwise......gone.

A Purse for Don and Angela Hospice

Today I had lunch with my friend Don Tanner and I gave him a purse.

He's not going to keep the purse. The purse is part of Laughter Lifts You Up for Angela Hospice.

Hopefully you clicked on the links and read all about the event and the great work that Angela Hospice does so I can tell you about the purse. Because I know I'm not a big enough "celebrity" that anyone would really want my purse. But it's a great purse.

I spend money on purses. I like purses. I buy a purse and I carry it EVERY SINGLE DAY so it has to be durable and look good and go with everything.

And this purse. This purse is really special.

I found it right before I found out that my children's book, The Fairy Painting, was going to be published. But I wasn't working then and the purse cost several. hundred. dollars. (I told you I spend money on purses) and I'm just not the type of woman to go out and blow the grocery budget on a Cole Haan purse no matter how cute it is or how much I want it or how long it's been since I had bought anything for myself and did I mention that it had been a long time since I had bought anything for myself?

Anyway, when Mackinac Island Press told me they were sending me an advance for my book I started dating this white-with-green-trim-goes-with-everything-perfect-Cole Haan bag. I'd go visit it at Parisian every couple days and when the check finally arrived I could hardly wait to deposit that sucker and get my butt to Livonia and buy that purse and I carried it every single day for at least a year and then, yes, I did move on to another bag but then I loaned it to my darling niece for a couple months while she was job-hunting and then used it occasionally after she returned it and I can only HOPE that someone bids on my purse for the swag but then realizes what a covertly awesome bag it is and carries it every day with pride and when someone compliments her on it says with complete confidence "What? This old thing?"

I also hope it has the best swag.

And I hope you support Angela Hospice. It's a wonderful organization. They do such great work and have the most amazing people and I know that I would never be capable of doing what they do. All I can do is spend too much money on purses so they're available for auctions.

Bid away.

I'm Pretty Sure That's Against The Law

I just got an email from Restoration Hardware that says "The Baby and Child Upholstery Event Has Begun!" and WHY are they upholstering babies and children? That seems cruel and unusual and probably against the law.

I'm thinking that Restoration Hardware needs a new Social Media/Marketing person or a new Event Planner. Or maybe both. Either way I'm tempted to show up at the mall and see what is ACTUALLY going on and maybe they did this on purpose knowing that my curiosity would get the better of me and I would have to show up and see what size needle they use to upholster a baby.

Well played, Restoration Hardware.

Goodbye

When you're a kid and you are hanging out with your cousins and your aunt and uncle are the boss of you pretty much the same as your parents you don't think about growing up and, not really growing apart but losing that day-to-day sense of family that you have felt since you were born, then eventually only seeing them at events like weddings or graduations or vacations because they have moved far away; and, you-the-kid, you certainly don't look ahead to the day when you might lose one of them and find yourself wondering if you let your Aunt know that you know you took her for granted when you were a kid but that when you grew up you realized just how amazing and kind and talented and real she really was and that you also know that part of the reason you are the person you are today is because of her influence when you were young and you are so very grateful to have had her for an aunt even though you know you were terrible at letting her know.

This Is The Problem With Generic Products - No Marketing (Updated)

Every time I see this picture on the package of generic sandwich bags I shudder because doesn't it look like the sandwich is trying to escape from death by suffocation? It's so disturbing. They may as well print "We Guarantee Your Sandwich Will Be Dead By Lunch Time" on the box. Or maybe that's inferred. Or maybe I accidentally bought Kevorkian-brand sandwich bags thinking they were generic. Either way, I've had this box for about two years now because I get so disturbed looking at the picture that after a few days I buy a new package of non-murderous sandwich bags and throw this package in the bottom drawer "for emergencies" and I'm obviously out of sandwich bags and don't want to go to the store today because it's cold AND it's supposed to snow some more but I'm going to have to go because if I have to open up the drawer and see that picture one more day I may get homicidal.

I did it. Went to the grocery store and stood in the Foils and Bags aisle whistling like an idiot waiting for it to clear out so I could take a picture of a happier package of plastic bags (which I DID purchase) and don't those Cheez-Its looks so happy and relaxed like "We're so happy, we can breeeeeeeathe! Look! Charlie's going for a ride! Whee! Wait a minute! Oh My God, Charlie! Charliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee! For the love of God someone's eaten Charlie!"

OK, so I guess there's not a happy ending for anything that ends up in a plastic sandwich bag, but I still don't need to see it telegraphed on the package.

Serial Abductors Who Lose Their Cell Phones On Purpose

On Sunday we found a cell phone in the parking lot at Beverly Park and after asking all the high school hockey-playing boys if it belonged to any of them and finding out that it didn't we took it home and started calling random numbers to try and find the owner (People - I'm not a fan of that ICE in case of emergency listing either but how about a Home or Wife/Husband listing in case you lose your phone!) and I finally reached someone who could confirm the number so we knew WHO's phone we had but we couldn't get in touch with him because....we had his phone; then we accidentally found his email address somehow and I sent him an email and while I was at work Sunday night a foreign woman claiming to be his wife called the cell phone but my husband couldn't really understand her so then on Monday Phone Owner called me and said he was in downtown Birmingham and I told him I'd meet him at the library but decided to text my husband where I was going and why in case this guy loses his phone on purpose only to have unsuspecting women return it to him so he can abduct them and if I disappeared I wanted someone to know that the last place I was seen was at the library.

Obviously I was not abducted and when I told my husband and children why I sent the text they gave me that just-nod-and-smile-but-don't-get-too-close-to-mom look as if that could never happen.

I Am Too Busy To Even Know How I Feel

One of my least favorite things about being a girl is all the different doctors. There's the regular doctor, and THAT doctor, and since THAT doctor scraped out the inside of my uterus five years ago I have to go see a You're Getting Old Doctor because I don't have any way of gauging what's going on inside except for my exhaustion level which is always pretty much on Over.

Today was a visit with THAT doctor and I had to fill him in on all the stuff I found out from the You're Getting Old Doctor and that I'm now taking thyroid medicine and Vitamin D because my body refuses to manufacture enough of either of those things (except, I guess, my body doesn't really manufacture thyroid, it's the thyroid that is supposed to do the manufacturing and like most small factories in the state of Michigan it has closed up shop. I blame the economy.) and THAT doctor asked me how I was feeling and I said "Well, I started the medication right before Christmas break and it was my son's birthday and I've been working more than usual because I'm the fill-in person and then the cat died so I could be feeling great but I have no way of knowing."

Then he gave me a weird look and offered me a B12 shot which I think is doctor-speak for "Please leave my office."