A note to whatever force is trying to keep us from going on vacation

My family and I are very chilly and we are very pale. We have been looking forward to this trip since last February and if you think that cancelling a return flight or sending a snowstorm the night before we’re supposed to leave is going to keep us from getting on that plane and heading to the Bahamas – you are wrong!

And yes, I am ignoring my son's coughing and the fact that it feels like someone poked a skewer into my left ear. We scoff at your paltry attempts at illness.

Bring out your big guns - a blizzard, food poisoning, whatever. We are armed with sunscreen and will not be deterred!

Rehab for Tara Reid

This was a headline on Star Magazine's website but I have to wonder....is it really a headline, or more of a statement of fact like Humans Need Air to Survive and Michigan is Cold in December?

Panic Attacks

Things I panic about daily (this month):

Finishing my book
Whether or not I'll ever work again
What if something happens to my husband or kids
Getting presents purchased
Getting presents wrapped and hidden
Whether we'll be ready to leave for our trip
Whether people will show up to the skating event I've been helping to publicize http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2008812110415
Are those Mean Girls going to continue to be mean to my daughter - and if they do, can I take them down
The fact that I know panicking isn't helping but I can't seem to stop

Obviously the first three (and the last one) aren't limited to December, but you get the idea.

Preparing to be robbed

There have been some daytime home invasions in our area, and one even occurred right around the corner so, of course, I am planning my Getting Robbed Strategy.

Apparently the robbers show up, 4 in a car, and knock on the door of a house they think is empty. If someone answers the door they act like they got the wrong address or something. If no one is home they go around back and break in. And they only take the good stuff – costume jewelry and cheap watches have been left behind.

My original plan, should I hear my doorbell ring and then noise coming from the back of the house, was to grab the phone and run into the bathroom which is so small that if I open a drawer it jams the door shut. But now I’ve heard that they are cutting phone lines! So I have to remember to keep my cell phone with me at all times.

Police cars have been cruising through my subdivision lately and I am on Full Alert which, for a paranoid, imaginative person like me, is extremely detrimental to get anything accomplished. I spring into a crouched position at any sound and so far this morning that has included

A) Snow and ice falling off the roof

B) The garbage truck

C) The humidifier making a gurgling noise, and

D) One of those strange “signing on” sounds on AOL.

I am tempted to call 911 on my cell phone to make sure they know my home address when I call from that number, but think that may be going a bit too far.

I’m also tempted to keep a frying pan, or some other heavy item, in my bathroom because if they somehow get the door open I can stand on the counter and bonk someone over the head as they try to enter. I’m thinking a cast iron skillet would probably work best but I don’t own one and don’t want to explain to my husband (who already thinks I’m nuts) why I bought a brand new skillet for the master bathroom.

Sure wish they’d catch them so I can relax.

What cats talk about

According to my husband, this is the conversation that our cats had yesterday.


Chucky: Dude, you are totally not going to believe what I did this morning.

Latke: Chased that boy out of his own room?

Chucky: Better. Are you ready? I pooped on the garage floor.

Latke: Get out! What did they do?

Chucky: Nothing! It was about 5:30 a.m. and I went upstairs to tell that grouchy one I wanted to go outside…

Latke: The one with the bad roots?

Chucky: Yeah.

Latke: She really should take care of those. No wonder she can’t find a job.

Chucky: Totally. So, as I was saying, I tell her I want to go out and when she comes downstairs she doesn’t open the door like I’ve politely asked, she throws me in the garage!

Latke: That is just rude!

Chucky: And I’ve got to go, right? So I just leave a big pile right in front of her car.

Latke: Then what?

Chucky: Well, a little while later she opens the door and I go in and eat my breakfast.

Latke: So, the garage is totally open for pooping now?

Chucky: You got it.

A violation on so many levels

Below is the letter I wanted to send in with the check to pay for the ticket I got today. But I didn’t because…well….the police know where I live.

Dear City of _____________,

I am so VERY sorry that I spent an extra 15 minutes spending money and enjoying myself in one of your under-utilized and practically empty downtown establishments and that my parking meter ran out before I could get back out there to pop another quarter in.

Your officers obviously had a very busy day - as out of the 50 parking spaces available only four were being used and two of those vehicles had tickets on them. I can see why you would want to fine me and move me along….someone else was probably going to need that space IMMEDIATELY!

Perhaps more people would come downtown and your businesses wouldn’t all be going under if the police weren’t so trigger-happy. Just a thought.

Your pal,

Stacey

P.S. The ability to pay my ticket via the internet might be more attractive IF IT WORKED.

P.S.S. A) When the error message tells you that your ticket is not in the system, you might want to provide a "yet" - AND - B) you might want to let people know BEFORE they pay by credit card that there will be an added "convenience" fee because, really, the frickin' stamp would have been cheaper.

Wal-Mart tragedy - my $.02

By now we've all heard of the tragedy at the NY Wal-Mart store where a maintenance worker was trampled to death by a discount-hungry crowd. Many of the articles I've read keep trying to point out that the store didn't have enough security - but when - and WHY? - did that become so necessary? Are people so desperate to save $100 on a flat screen TV that they are willing to become accomplices to murder? And - if you really need to get up so early and fight your way through a frenzied crowd to save $100 - PERHAPS YOU SHOULDN'T BE BUYING THAT FLAT SCREEN TV IN THE FIRST PLACE! Perhaps your money should be going towards more important things like rent, and winter boots.

What I found extra-disturbing was the fact that when they tried to close the store shoppers were pissed that they had to leave! "I'm so sorry someone died, but I've had my eye on this laptop for weeks." just doesn't cut it people.

And when they finally did get the store closed, people lined up outside waiting for it to reopen and were upset that it took so long.

Sorry, Wal-Mart, but if this is the kind of shopper you attract, you won't find me and my money in your store any time soon.