Monday, December 13, 2010

A Little Reminiscing (Boy I Hope I Spelled That Right) About Giving Birth (So, You Know, You Might Want To Opt Out Now)

I was just reading a blog post by one of my favorite bloggers. She is such a good blogger that she (I assume) gets paid to write a Bad Parenting Advice Column (hmmm...the column isn't bad, the advice is bad....ish) and, really, isn't that the goal of everyone who has ever given birth? I Am So Bad At This That Someone Should Pay Me To Write A Column About It. And, while I secretly suspect that I might be a halfway decent mom, I was NOT good at giving birth.

So. If you're still with me....

We signed up for Birthing Classes with the first pregnancy. We showed up with a pillow like the syllabus and Every Hollywood Movie demanded but it seemed kinda stupid and unnecessary. I was fine (if a little bored) during all the classes (including the Horrible Birth Videos) until the Instructor pulled out the plastic pelvic bones and the actual-sized baby and showed us how the baby BARELY FIT getting through the bones and how it took A LOT of twisting and turning and they really shouldn't show that to people AT ALL. And, the night before my due date (which I know is not Scientifically Accurate but I clung to because it fell on Father's Day) my water broke (at 11:30 pm) and I had to call my doctor and sheepishly admit that I didn't know what to do because I had not paid attention during that part of class. Really, it was kind of like I was back at college. And I did not feel stupid AT ALL when he replied "Um ..... GO TO THE HOSPITAL!"

If you're a clicker then you know the column I'm referring to was about birthing plans and I would just like to say that I DID have a plan and that plan involved as many drugs as the hospital would allow me to have. I am pleased to announce that I pulled it off. However, if you're anything like me, even if you pull off your plan you will find yourself standing over your baby when she is about three weeks old watching to make sure she is still breathing because somehow you'll start to believe that all those drugs you had might not have been good for her and there may be a few moments - here and there - in her young life when you are SURE that you damaged her brain when you insisted that they TURN THAT EPIDURAL UP DAMMIT but, let me tell you, that when she is 15 and getting straight A's and on the Honor Roll and turning into a Lovely Young Woman you will TOTALLY know that you did the right thing. For both of you.

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