Preparing to be robbed

There have been some daytime home invasions in our area, and one even occurred right around the corner so, of course, I am planning my Getting Robbed Strategy.

Apparently the robbers show up, 4 in a car, and knock on the door of a house they think is empty. If someone answers the door they act like they got the wrong address or something. If no one is home they go around back and break in. And they only take the good stuff – costume jewelry and cheap watches have been left behind.

My original plan, should I hear my doorbell ring and then noise coming from the back of the house, was to grab the phone and run into the bathroom which is so small that if I open a drawer it jams the door shut. But now I’ve heard that they are cutting phone lines! So I have to remember to keep my cell phone with me at all times.

Police cars have been cruising through my subdivision lately and I am on Full Alert which, for a paranoid, imaginative person like me, is extremely detrimental to get anything accomplished. I spring into a crouched position at any sound and so far this morning that has included

A) Snow and ice falling off the roof

B) The garbage truck

C) The humidifier making a gurgling noise, and

D) One of those strange “signing on” sounds on AOL.

I am tempted to call 911 on my cell phone to make sure they know my home address when I call from that number, but think that may be going a bit too far.

I’m also tempted to keep a frying pan, or some other heavy item, in my bathroom because if they somehow get the door open I can stand on the counter and bonk someone over the head as they try to enter. I’m thinking a cast iron skillet would probably work best but I don’t own one and don’t want to explain to my husband (who already thinks I’m nuts) why I bought a brand new skillet for the master bathroom.

Sure wish they’d catch them so I can relax.

What cats talk about

According to my husband, this is the conversation that our cats had yesterday.


Chucky: Dude, you are totally not going to believe what I did this morning.

Latke: Chased that boy out of his own room?

Chucky: Better. Are you ready? I pooped on the garage floor.

Latke: Get out! What did they do?

Chucky: Nothing! It was about 5:30 a.m. and I went upstairs to tell that grouchy one I wanted to go outside…

Latke: The one with the bad roots?

Chucky: Yeah.

Latke: She really should take care of those. No wonder she can’t find a job.

Chucky: Totally. So, as I was saying, I tell her I want to go out and when she comes downstairs she doesn’t open the door like I’ve politely asked, she throws me in the garage!

Latke: That is just rude!

Chucky: And I’ve got to go, right? So I just leave a big pile right in front of her car.

Latke: Then what?

Chucky: Well, a little while later she opens the door and I go in and eat my breakfast.

Latke: So, the garage is totally open for pooping now?

Chucky: You got it.

A violation on so many levels

Below is the letter I wanted to send in with the check to pay for the ticket I got today. But I didn’t because…well….the police know where I live.

Dear City of _____________,

I am so VERY sorry that I spent an extra 15 minutes spending money and enjoying myself in one of your under-utilized and practically empty downtown establishments and that my parking meter ran out before I could get back out there to pop another quarter in.

Your officers obviously had a very busy day - as out of the 50 parking spaces available only four were being used and two of those vehicles had tickets on them. I can see why you would want to fine me and move me along….someone else was probably going to need that space IMMEDIATELY!

Perhaps more people would come downtown and your businesses wouldn’t all be going under if the police weren’t so trigger-happy. Just a thought.

Your pal,

Stacey

P.S. The ability to pay my ticket via the internet might be more attractive IF IT WORKED.

P.S.S. A) When the error message tells you that your ticket is not in the system, you might want to provide a "yet" - AND - B) you might want to let people know BEFORE they pay by credit card that there will be an added "convenience" fee because, really, the frickin' stamp would have been cheaper.

Wal-Mart tragedy - my $.02

By now we've all heard of the tragedy at the NY Wal-Mart store where a maintenance worker was trampled to death by a discount-hungry crowd. Many of the articles I've read keep trying to point out that the store didn't have enough security - but when - and WHY? - did that become so necessary? Are people so desperate to save $100 on a flat screen TV that they are willing to become accomplices to murder? And - if you really need to get up so early and fight your way through a frenzied crowd to save $100 - PERHAPS YOU SHOULDN'T BE BUYING THAT FLAT SCREEN TV IN THE FIRST PLACE! Perhaps your money should be going towards more important things like rent, and winter boots.

What I found extra-disturbing was the fact that when they tried to close the store shoppers were pissed that they had to leave! "I'm so sorry someone died, but I've had my eye on this laptop for weeks." just doesn't cut it people.

And when they finally did get the store closed, people lined up outside waiting for it to reopen and were upset that it took so long.

Sorry, Wal-Mart, but if this is the kind of shopper you attract, you won't find me and my money in your store any time soon.

Eggnog rant

I love eggnog and only drink it between Thanksgiving and January 1 and have a message for all you Bob-Greene-Jillian-Michaels-uber-skinny-endorphin-fueled-making-your-money-by-making-me-feel-fat "experts" -- I don't care if eggnog is a 'liquid cheeseburger,' and from Thursday until January 1 I will be sitting in a corner with my eggnog and a bottle of brandy and my fingers in my ears going "lalalalalalalalala" so I don't have to listen to you.

Bread

Yesterday I had to park by one of my favorite bread stores – you know, the ones who make everything fresh from stone ground flour and leave out huge slabs for you to try – and there was a van blocking my way as I tried to get into the parking lot. I noticed that the guy in the van was carrying bags into the bread store – and they were from Meijer!

Nothing against Meijer, it’s one of my favorite places to shop (especially at midnight when I’ve been out on the town and NEED Hostess Ding Dongs and new curtains) but they are not especially known for their stone ground flour or other earthy, natural bread stuff that this store claims their bread is made out of.

I can’t get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to buy bread from them again which is really disappointing because I was assigned “bread” to bring to Thanksgiving at my mom’s this year and now I’m going to have to make my own.

Thanks a lot.

Direct me to the pain

I’m on the second day of a killer headache and the only pain reliever left in the house (besides the super-strong stuff which may or may not impair my driving) is Bayer Back & Body. So I took some; but am I wasting my time?

Years ago I remember a stand-up comedian doing a bit about directed medicine – how does it know where to go? Well, how does it? Is this Back & Body stuff going to totally ignore my headache? “So sorry, but our Back & Body union forbids us from working on your headache.”

And why does my headache feel like it is only located in the area surrounding my right eye? As specific as medicines are getting these days it seems like they could make one that says “For pain surrounding either eye that decreases your peripheral vision and makes you want to stab a very sharp knife into your eyeball.” THAT’s the medicine I’m looking for.