Serial Abductors Who Lose Their Cell Phones On Purpose

On Sunday we found a cell phone in the parking lot at Beverly Park and after asking all the high school hockey-playing boys if it belonged to any of them and finding out that it didn't we took it home and started calling random numbers to try and find the owner (People - I'm not a fan of that ICE in case of emergency listing either but how about a Home or Wife/Husband listing in case you lose your phone!) and I finally reached someone who could confirm the number so we knew WHO's phone we had but we couldn't get in touch with him because....we had his phone; then we accidentally found his email address somehow and I sent him an email and while I was at work Sunday night a foreign woman claiming to be his wife called the cell phone but my husband couldn't really understand her so then on Monday Phone Owner called me and said he was in downtown Birmingham and I told him I'd meet him at the library but decided to text my husband where I was going and why in case this guy loses his phone on purpose only to have unsuspecting women return it to him so he can abduct them and if I disappeared I wanted someone to know that the last place I was seen was at the library.

Obviously I was not abducted and when I told my husband and children why I sent the text they gave me that just-nod-and-smile-but-don't-get-too-close-to-mom look as if that could never happen.

I Am Too Busy To Even Know How I Feel

One of my least favorite things about being a girl is all the different doctors. There's the regular doctor, and THAT doctor, and since THAT doctor scraped out the inside of my uterus five years ago I have to go see a You're Getting Old Doctor because I don't have any way of gauging what's going on inside except for my exhaustion level which is always pretty much on Over.

Today was a visit with THAT doctor and I had to fill him in on all the stuff I found out from the You're Getting Old Doctor and that I'm now taking thyroid medicine and Vitamin D because my body refuses to manufacture enough of either of those things (except, I guess, my body doesn't really manufacture thyroid, it's the thyroid that is supposed to do the manufacturing and like most small factories in the state of Michigan it has closed up shop. I blame the economy.) and THAT doctor asked me how I was feeling and I said "Well, I started the medication right before Christmas break and it was my son's birthday and I've been working more than usual because I'm the fill-in person and then the cat died so I could be feeling great but I have no way of knowing."

Then he gave me a weird look and offered me a B12 shot which I think is doctor-speak for "Please leave my office."

Cat Anexoria, Oh It's Real (Updated)

"I'm one hairball away from my ideal weight!"

We've been living in Cat Hell for the last week since Latke had to be rushed to the vet and was diagnosed with a blocked urethra. Then, the vet called me at 6:00 pm on Wednesday night and said "We think Latke needs another catheter and we don't do that overnight so you need to come get him and take him to the emergency vet."

WTF?

My daughter and I spent four hours at the emergency vet Wednesday; mostly sobbing because we thought we were going to have to have Latke put to sleep because his kidney levels were four times normal and the bill to admit him was estimated at $2,000 (INCLUDING a $148 "referral fee" to the vet who made me come pick up at the last minute.)

When we had his levels tested again and they came back normal we were made to feel like White Trash for taking him home and treating him ourselves (Even though the Vet On Call kept calling him Lot-Key). But really, it's four days before Christmas and the kids are off school and if I'm weighing a little extra work required by monitoring the cat while he's locked in the laundry room vs. $2,000, the laundry room is going to win.

(Even though I really haven't slept since Wednesday)

The cat is doing all the things he should except he's really not eating, which I didn't mind until I let him out of the laundry room today and he could barely move and his paw was shivering and I Googled "cat won't eat shivering" and up popped:

Cat Anorexia

Apparently it's not like People Anexoria. After a cat has been ill, or if he is on medication (and yes, my cat has two checks in the plus column here) a cat will lose it's appetite and "forget" that it should eat and could develop hypoglycemia and die.

Great.

I already snatched this cat from the paws of the Kitty Grim Reaper once and I am NOT letting him starve himself to death. I immediately rubbed honey all over his teeth (to bring his blood sugar back up) and then opened up a can of non-prescription canned food and he dug into it like nobody's business.

(So. Very. Thankful. that I read the release papers from the vet and that I recognized Cat Anorexia as a side effect of recovering from a Blocked Urethra even if I did laugh it off at the time. Really, who would think "Oh, my cat had a blocked urethra and now it thinks it's too fat."??)

So now he's eating and his tail is twitching again and he looks a LOT more lively. In fact, he just scampered out of the kitchen! Of course, I'm still on the lookout for him forcing his paw down his throat.

P.S. At the Emergency Vet we were placed in a room - with a box of tissues placed conveniently nearby - that had a wall paper border of dogs wearing halos and angel wings. THIS is supposed to instill confidence? Also, there were several framed photographs of dogs including one in a total Glamour Shot wearing a red boa. It was creepy. Four. Solid. Hours. of sad and creepy.

So we get home on Thursday to find the cat not moving and whining and we all rush him to the emergency vet only to hear that his temperature doesn't even register and his kidneys are failing and we make the most difficult decision of 2010 and put him out of his misery. Though, it wasn't really difficult. I just can't make an innocent animal go through all that medical trauma. They don't understand it. I don't understand how he got better when his kidneys must have been failing but I like to think we gave him one last good week where he was loved and petted and appreciated.

RIP Latke.

Got A Camera You Need Bumped Off?

My daughter has yet to meet a camera she can't break. I seem to recall her dropping the first one she owned and when I finally acquiesced and bought her a new one it refused to work as well, shoving a totally black screen in her face 75% of the times she turned it on even after we sent it in and had it repaired. On Sunday she got her Christmas present early - an iPhone (don't ask, it certainly wasn't my idea) - and by this morning the camera on the phone was refusing to open.

WTH?

I think I need to google How To Remove A Voodoo Hex Involving Girls And Cameras and get this settled once and for all. Unless one of you know knows how to remove a voodoo hex involving girls and cameras. If you do, I'd appreciate step-by-step directions. You can email me.

Sorry To Be Meta But This Is About My Love/Hate Relationship With Bloggers and Blogging

As a writer, I love the idea of blogs. As a reader, there are just a few blogs I have bookmarked and read daily (I can count my regulars on one hand) because there are few non-professional writers (and probably not that many professionals, really) who can be entertaining and interesting on a daily basis. I have tried, myself, and failed. However, if you're still here, thanks.

A blogger I love to read recently offered up gift cards to the first 20 needy people and it snowballed and turned into this huge people-helping-people EVENT and I'm sure she did not budget the time for it and is wondering what the hell she got herself into but if you want to read some great writing and some inspiring stories check out her site. It's the true meaning of Christmas (at least according to semi-atheist me).

Happy Holidays!!

A Little Reminiscing (Boy I Hope I Spelled That Right) About Giving Birth (So, You Know, You Might Want To Opt Out Now)

I was just reading a blog post by one of my favorite bloggers. She is such a good blogger that she (I assume) gets paid to write a Bad Parenting Advice Column (hmmm...the column isn't bad, the advice is bad....ish) and, really, isn't that the goal of everyone who has ever given birth? I Am So Bad At This That Someone Should Pay Me To Write A Column About It. And, while I secretly suspect that I might be a halfway decent mom, I was NOT good at giving birth.

So. If you're still with me....

We signed up for Birthing Classes with the first pregnancy. We showed up with a pillow like the syllabus and Every Hollywood Movie demanded but it seemed kinda stupid and unnecessary. I was fine (if a little bored) during all the classes (including the Horrible Birth Videos) until the Instructor pulled out the plastic pelvic bones and the actual-sized baby and showed us how the baby BARELY FIT getting through the bones and how it took A LOT of twisting and turning and they really shouldn't show that to people AT ALL. And, the night before my due date (which I know is not Scientifically Accurate but I clung to because it fell on Father's Day) my water broke (at 11:30 pm) and I had to call my doctor and sheepishly admit that I didn't know what to do because I had not paid attention during that part of class. Really, it was kind of like I was back at college. And I did not feel stupid AT ALL when he replied "Um ..... GO TO THE HOSPITAL!"

If you're a clicker then you know the column I'm referring to was about birthing plans and I would just like to say that I DID have a plan and that plan involved as many drugs as the hospital would allow me to have. I am pleased to announce that I pulled it off. However, if you're anything like me, even if you pull off your plan you will find yourself standing over your baby when she is about three weeks old watching to make sure she is still breathing because somehow you'll start to believe that all those drugs you had might not have been good for her and there may be a few moments - here and there - in her young life when you are SURE that you damaged her brain when you insisted that they TURN THAT EPIDURAL UP DAMMIT but, let me tell you, that when she is 15 and getting straight A's and on the Honor Roll and turning into a Lovely Young Woman you will TOTALLY know that you did the right thing. For both of you.

Dear Internet Marketing Professionals at Borders:

I don't want to tell you how to do your job or anything but I just received a coupon for 33% off one item through December 2 so unless that coupon also includes a trip back in time there really was no need to send it to me.

Love,

Stacey