Eggnog rant

I love eggnog and only drink it between Thanksgiving and January 1 and have a message for all you Bob-Greene-Jillian-Michaels-uber-skinny-endorphin-fueled-making-your-money-by-making-me-feel-fat "experts" -- I don't care if eggnog is a 'liquid cheeseburger,' and from Thursday until January 1 I will be sitting in a corner with my eggnog and a bottle of brandy and my fingers in my ears going "lalalalalalalalala" so I don't have to listen to you.

Bread

Yesterday I had to park by one of my favorite bread stores – you know, the ones who make everything fresh from stone ground flour and leave out huge slabs for you to try – and there was a van blocking my way as I tried to get into the parking lot. I noticed that the guy in the van was carrying bags into the bread store – and they were from Meijer!

Nothing against Meijer, it’s one of my favorite places to shop (especially at midnight when I’ve been out on the town and NEED Hostess Ding Dongs and new curtains) but they are not especially known for their stone ground flour or other earthy, natural bread stuff that this store claims their bread is made out of.

I can’t get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to buy bread from them again which is really disappointing because I was assigned “bread” to bring to Thanksgiving at my mom’s this year and now I’m going to have to make my own.

Thanks a lot.

Direct me to the pain

I’m on the second day of a killer headache and the only pain reliever left in the house (besides the super-strong stuff which may or may not impair my driving) is Bayer Back & Body. So I took some; but am I wasting my time?

Years ago I remember a stand-up comedian doing a bit about directed medicine – how does it know where to go? Well, how does it? Is this Back & Body stuff going to totally ignore my headache? “So sorry, but our Back & Body union forbids us from working on your headache.”

And why does my headache feel like it is only located in the area surrounding my right eye? As specific as medicines are getting these days it seems like they could make one that says “For pain surrounding either eye that decreases your peripheral vision and makes you want to stab a very sharp knife into your eyeball.” THAT’s the medicine I’m looking for.

Quandary: Parent-Teacher Conference

It is 32 degrees outside, but instead of spending the afternoon in my warm bed writing or curled up on the couch next to a cozy fire reading I will be sitting and waiting in folding chairs, moving over one chair at a time, chatting with other middle school parents that I barely know in order to get five minutes alone with my daughter’s teachers.

Do I really have to go? Her report card is straight A’s (except for the B+ in math and she has the same math teacher as last year) and all her behavior marks are great and I would basically be wasting an entire afternoon in order to hear all the teachers tell me what a joy my daughter is to have in class, even the math teacher who will tell me that she also needs to apply herself just a little bit more.

Been there, heard that. And did I mention that it’s cold?

On the other hand, I don’t want to get a rep as one of those parents that no one ever sees and I already missed curriculum night because it was my turn to drive skating carpool; though my husband went so we were represented.

And I told you it’s cold, right?

And wouldn’t I be taking up time that could be better used by the parent of a kid who’s not doing so well? Wouldn’t it be selfish of me to show up just to have my parental ego stroked about what a wonderful kid I’m raising? Those teachers could be heading for home and their own cozy fires five minutes earlier if I don't go and wouldn't they appreciate THAT even more?

And it’s freezing out there!

Fine. I’m going.

Movie gossip

I’ve been meeting more and more people who are working on the many movie sets around town – though it hasn’t worked out for me to work on one myself yet. I had a rockin’ audition earlier this week but, so far, no call. But seriously, Producers, I AM The Depressed Mom Who’s Trying Not To Let Her Kid See She’s Depressed – ask anyone!

Anyway, I’ve been hearing all kinds of good stories from the sets. Like the two wardrobe chicks who got fired because they dressed some kid in the wrong outfit and the director shot the whole scene before anybody realized it. Oops. And I guess Rosie O’Donnell is in town shooting some movie and apparently one of the extras was a little into Ro and was not called back to be part of the crowd the next day but she keeps showing up on the set and the guards (who have now memorized her license plate) keep turning her away so she stands at the perimeter and yells in the direction of Rosie’s trailer for Rosie to come out so she can tell her the score of the Red Wings game.

I had no idea Rosie was a Wings fan.

OMG Do I have to give the bangs lecture AGAIN?

See Big Bang Offenses, Sunday October 12.

Porn in my mailbox

This morning I was deleting the email in the Spam box and came across one that said “Blow up her sofa.” I did not recognize the address and assumed it was sexual (as most of them are) and deleted it. But then I began to wonder…

Because I have no idea what “blow up her sofa” means. Am I that old? I realize it’s been a good long time since sexual metaphors crept into my conversation on a regular basis (Thank God!) but am I so old that I don’t even recognize them anymore? Usually I can figure out what the metaphor is representing, but this one had me stumped. No matter how much I thought about it, it just sounded painful and unnecessary. Perhaps her sofa would just like to be stroked and talked kindly to.

Thanks to Jen Lancaster, Chick Lit Memoirist Extraordinaire, I am now familiar with a website called Urbandictionary.com which will give you the definition of all those phrases and metaphors that you can’t quite figure out. (There is a hilarious scene in one of her books with her mother insisting that someone tell her what a “reach around” is. It was painful and hysterical.) So I tried the site but there is no definition – yet – for “blow up her sofa.”

I still did not want to open the email. I have, unsuspectingly, opened too much porn for my liking lately and have no interest in seeing whatever grotesque, misshapen, and odd positions people will put themselves in to achieve the sofa blowing up…so I googled it. The first sites that came up led to Canadian pharmacy sites promoting Viagra.

Really, Canada? Blow Up Her Sofa is the best you can come up with? That explains a lot.

Make your kid shut up!

I’m going to just come out and say it and I don’t care if it makes me look like a bad person but there is nothing more annoying than a know-it-all teenager.

I realize that most teenagers think they know everything, and they certainly know so much more than their parents…and their teachers…and everyone else. And I also realize that most of them aren’t smart enough to keep their mouths shut about how they know everything. But there is one child in my daughter’s circle who is about to be black-balled. She never stops talking and she knows EVERYTHING! I'm not just talking about facts and information; she knows everything about me, my family, our schedule, my plans, how I feel about things, etc. In fact, the only thing she DOESN'T know is how freakin' annoying she is.

I can take a certain amount of non-stop gab and put up with a decent amount of stupidity, but when YOUR child starts answering questions that other adults ask ME, you had better get her out of my line of fire. Especially since she is not smart enough to shut up when I tell her I can answer for myself and CORRECTS WHAT I SAY!

Yes, I know, you think I have no patience and hate other people’s children. I offer this up as an example. (And remember, I did not harm the child although I wanted to and this was just ONE converstion out of hundreds where she did exactly the same thing.)

Other Adult: Stacey, did you make this? What is it?

Annoying Child: It’s spinach dip. It has parmesan cheese and…

Me: Actually it’s artichoke dip.

Annoying Child: Well, it’s called a lot of different things.

What jury would convict me?

Lying on my resume

A few months ago in a fit of lack-of-income panic I signed up on a couple of career/resume websites. I answered a few questions and uploaded my resume. I’ve applied for a few jobs through them but have never heard back from anyone. However, I have been receiving emails like this:

Dear Stacey,
I recently noticed your resume posted online and think you might be a good match for a position with one of my clients. Due to your background in the business field, I would like to invite you to apply for the following job.

Farm Technician
Competitive Salary

Best Regards,
Christian Han
Sr. Recruiter, CN HR Division


I have a few questions for Christian. Like exactly what in my background of making commercials and writing essays led him to believe that I know anything about farming? And what “background in the business field” did he see on my resume? Do I appear to be so desperate for a job that I will jump at the first Farm Technician position that comes along? And what about professional Farm Technicians – I would think that they would be a little (or a LOT) offended that Christian thinks that an English major who went on to work as a radio and TV personality is even remotely qualified to do their job.

I may have exaggerated a few of my skills and abilities on my resume but nothing to the degree that would make a sane person believe I have any idea of what a Farm Technician even does! I do feel qualified to suggest that if you are one of Christian’s “clients” you find yourself a new recruiter tout de suite!

And if there are any Farm Technicians out there who are looking for a new gig, I am happy to pass along Christian’s email.

Deer deer

I almost ran over a deer on the road tonight for the THIRD time this year! Was on my way to pick up Daughter from skating carpool and a deer was just meandering through the street – la-de-da. I think it was saying la-de-da, but I did have the radio turned up pretty loud. There’s a pack of deer (is pack the correct term? Is it herd, pride, sorority?) that lives in my subdivision and I have run into them several times while out walking. They are not afraid of humans and, in fact, will stop and stare at me like I’M the anomaly. “Look, Deer, a human! What is she doing out of her natural habitat? I wonder how she survives out here?”

I am still angry about the deer eating my tulips. I have tulips in my front yard (that I stole from my old house when we moved here) and every year I take a picture of my kids sitting on the big rock with the tulips in the foreground. As we drove home one night in May Daughter commented that we needed to take the tulip pictures. When I went out to get the paper the next morning, all the heads of my tulips were missing! The stems and leaves were still there….and there were hoof prints in the yard. I did some googling and found out that tulips are like ice cream for deer. Like my front yard is a Ben & Jerry’s!

I have been anti-deer ever since, and their road antics aren’t helping their cause any. So listen, Bambi, don’t make me pull out my bow and arrows (and the trophy I won for archery in 4-H in the third grade!). This doesn’t have to get nasty. Go in peace. And stay away.