Thursday, August 28, 2008

Eagle Eye = Nick of Time + A Chick

Every time I see the trailer for Eagle Eye I can’t help but think of the 1995 movie Nick of Time where Johnny Depp was forced to commit a political assassination to save the life of his kidnapped daughter.

Eagle Eye looks like someone in Hollywood REALLY liked Nick of Time but felt it didn’t get the respect it deserved so they remade it but added a chick (it’s HER kid this time) and an anonymous voice on the phone (instead of us seeing the villains, though Christopher Walken is FAR scarier – he even managed to make a music video a little eerie). The second lead was a smart idea; part of the problem with Nick of Time was that Johnny Depp was in it alone and it was kind of confusing because you only had his facial expressions and occasional mutterings to figure out what moral issues he was struggling with. Eagle Eye has the benefit of the two lead characters being able to talk it out so the audience doesn’t get lost.

Shia LaBeouf: I can’t believe an anonymous female voice over the phone kidnapped your daughter and is making us commit a political assassination!

Michelle Monaghan: I know!


Johnny Depp (to self): I can’t believe Christopher Walken and that woman kidnapped my daughter and are forcing me to commit a political assassination.

See, much better!

And since when do political assassins pick random people off the street to do their dirty work for them? Are we supposed to believe that John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald were just walking around minding their own business one day and their child or wiener dog was kidnapped and threatened with death until they knocked off a political figure?

I have not seen Eagle Eye (and probably won’t – sorry Shia and Michelle, make a romantic comedy) but I’d like to imagine that someone somewhere has learned their lesson and about ¾ of the way through I’d hear this bit of dialogue:

Shia: Wait a minute! Isn’t this the plotline of Nick of Time?

Michelle: Oh my God, were you even ALIVE in 1995?

Shia: I have Netflix.

Michelle: Oh, well, yeah, this was the plot. Only without the perky yet protective female character that I’m portraying.

Shia: Well, what did Johnny Depp do? Let’s do that so we can get out of here and pick up our multi-million dollar paychecks!

Michelle: Great idea!

Note to Shia LaBeouf: I realize you are trying to transition from child actor to Serious Adult Movie Star and that car accidents and thrillers are all part of the process, but don’t forget the other required steps: playing a junkie, denying a substance abuse problem, going into rehab, Emmy-winning guest starring role on appropriate television series and/or Indie film (NOT Indy film), then Academy-winning role as tormented former cop and/or homosexual. I’d hate to see you get pigeon-holed as Thriller Guy.

No comments: