Big bang offenses

Before I begin I would like to acknowledge that I am not the most fashionable person, I definitely have my faux pas. Like the jeans I wore today. Yes, they’re from Costco and yes, they’re faded like they’re from the early 2000’s (or maybe not even popular then, I really have no idea) and yes, a woman over 40 really has no business wearing them but they are so SOFT and COMFORTABLE that they feel like a pair of sweat pants yet somehow give the impression that I still fit into a pair of jeans from my 20’s (the faded thing again) that I gladly give up all semblance of style to wear them.

I do, however, feel qualified to discuss bangs. Some of you still aren’t wearing bangs correctly and you are either going to have to retake Bangs 101 and its follow-up class Styling Tools: Their Correct Use or grow them out and forfeit all rights to bangs in the future.

Let’s start with the basics. Bangs should look like the rest of your hair only shorter. Ergo, if your hair is curly your bangs are curly. If your hair is straight your bangs are straight. If you have curly hair and straight bangs it looks like you are too lazy to blow-dry your whole head or you think that people are only going to look at you from the eyebrows up. If you have straight hair and curly bangs you have bigger issues than I can deal with in this little blog and I suggest you get professional help.

A variation of the second offense is Curling Iron Bangs. These bangs are produced by the operator curling the entire section of hair that are the bangs and then sliding the curling iron out sideways so that the bangs are left in a tunnel shape then hair sprayed like a muthah to retain this shape. This hairstyle is misdemeanor in 14 states.

Another bang offense is the Wall; most often spotted on Wal-Mart clerks and hair-band groupies. It is the female variation of the mullet. To create the Wall, the bangs are moussed, gelled, teased, and sprayed to stand up completely vertically thus rendering the impression that the wearer is 4” taller or is dressing like Cameron Diaz from There’s Something About Mary for Halloween. Bangs are high-maintenance and are really best left to the young who A) care enough to tote around styling tools and B) are obsessed enough to recheck and restyle their hair every 20 minutes or whenever they can get a bathroom pass. My daughter was 13 before I let her have bangs and she was tested on their proper care and maintenance for months before the actual cut. You can call me obsessive, but I’m doing my best to make sure she doesn’t end up looking anything like this.